Sure, it’s “The Holiday season,” but we all know that one holiday is a cut above the rest—Life Day.
The origins of Life Day go all the way back to ancient 1978, when CBS in association with Kenner Toys created “The Star Wars Holiday Special. “The special aired only once, and the forces that be at CBS (cough, ROMANS, cough) have done everything in their power to erase it. But like the gospels, so too did our sacred text survive in the form of VHS recordings, safeguarded by the devout and passed on at conventions and flea markets.
Now, in the age of the internet, The Star Wars Holiday Special is available to the masses via YouTube. Have you heard the good news? Chewbacca! Here are 30 key moments, or “stations of the special” that can help us all better understand the true meaning of this sacred celebration.
The Announcement That “Wonder Woman” and “The Incredible Hulk” Will Not Be Presented This Evening
It is a somber reminder that before the feast, there must be a sacrifice. Tonight, we must forego seeing Linda Carter spin around a bunch. Tonight there will be no Bill Bixby transforming into green Lou Ferrigno. But fear not humble viewer, for your sacrifice will be rewarded eternally.
Han Solo Goes Through The Motions
Many younglings are perplexed by the special’s opening sequence, specifically as to why Han Solo’s lines are delivered so woodenly when he and Chewbacca are in such a high stakes dangerous situation. What St.Han is showing us is that sometimes we all have contractual obligations, and you don’t always need to do a good job, or mentally be there at all, but you do need to fulfill them.
A Presentation Of “No Exit” By John Paul Sartre with Wookiees
Three Wookiees stranded together in a high-rise tree house, furnished late ‘70s modern with some space stuff sprinkled throughout. They moan at each other indecently. Do they know one another? It isn’t clear, because there are no subtitles. What is clear is that the creatures seem to be driving each other insane, and you the viewer with them. The sequence goes on just long enough to bring you into a mild hallucinatory state, and you are now ready for all the holy truths this special has to offer.
Satan Dances For Lumpy
Lumpy activates a familiar holographic chess board, but instead of alien chess pieces, we see a projection of the dark lord himself, splendid and triumphant! After some celebratory acrobatics, he escapes his hologram prison and appears full-size at Lumpy’s side, where he commands his hologram minions to dance for the child’s amusement. Then Satan rejoins his dark troupe and they all raise their arms to the heavens. They don’t say it, but the message is clear: “The old Gods are dead! Long live life!”
A Sentient Clump of Makeup in the Shape of Mark Hamill Tries His Best
It is unclear if the cover-all homunculus was created because actor Mark Hamill was unavailable, or if the Lucas Arts team simply wanted to show off their mastery of the arcane. What is clear is that the thing portraying Luke Skywalker is not fully human, and has no real idea what the hell is going on. Still, he tries his best, as we all must.
Mala Learns To Cook Life Day Dinner From A Randy 4 Armed Alien In Drag
Fun fact, this scene is actually where we get the phrase “By the buxomness of Harvey Korman.”
Art Carney Delivers Gifts And Pornography
Who the hell needs Santa when you’ve got jolly old Art Carney bringing gifts and joy to all the good Wookiee families? To Lumpy, Chewbacca’s precocious son, he gives a word processor of some kind. To Mala, Chewbacca’s wife, he gives a kitchen appliance… in exchange for a kiss of course! And to Itchy, Chewbacca’s elderly Wookiee father, he gives a new pornographic disc for his mind eraser machine. Remember, this was decades before the prevalence of brainwash fetish porn, that’s how prescient this special was.
We All Watch Psychedelic Porn With Grandpa Itchy
Yes, the watching of the pornography with Itchy is one of the more curious stations of Life Day. The nature of the content was heavily alluded to by Carney, and a lesser special would have just left the bit there and moved on, but no, we stay with Itchy. We are with him as he lustily and frantically rewinds Diahann Carroll saying “I find you adorable” again and again. The revelation that elderly Wookiees are aroused by human women is unnerving to some, but it’s important to remember there is no kink shaming on Life Day.
We Are Still Watching Porn With Itchy
Yes, the elderly Wookiee watching human pornography sequence goes on for an uncomfortable amount of time. Diahann Carroll is now escalated to telling Itchy “I am your pleasure,” erasing any plausible hope that Itchy is watching this material for any reason besides sexual gratification. Seems like a real, real weird move for a children’s television special, but that just proves that it isn’t a children’s television special, it’s a bold new religion.
Carrie Fisher Is The Highest A Person Has Ever Been On Television
In ancient times, temple maidens would sit in chambers filled with natural gas, producing a hallucinatory state in which they could commune with the Gods and bring their wisdom to us. It is their legacy Carrie Fisher holds inside herself as she stumbles out of a chair coked and pilled up to the gills and says “Itchy, Mala, how aaaaaarrreee you?!” Far from being reckless or unprofessional, Fisher has embarked on a hallucinatory odyssey to the world within, where she will glean great wisdom to share with us all.
The Ladies Garment Workers Union Serenades Us A Warning Against Foreign Goods
Since the only existing records of The Star Wars Holiday Special are home-recorded VHS copies, we get all the commercials, and some of them have found their way into the sacred canon. In this one, we are reminded of the importance of only purchasing ladies’ garments bearing the seal of the Ladies Garment Workers Union, lest we normalize the inferior quality of foreign-made clothing. The song that follows has become one of Life Day’s most iconic hymnals and remained just as relevant as it was when it aired until 1994. The union disbanded in 1995.
Imperials Nazis Invade The Wookiee’s Home
In the “Star Wars” film, the empire could fairly be described as space Nazis, but in this special, (again, presumably made for young children,) they are way more Nazi than space. Straight up, they are the S.S. They are menacing, they are sinister, they are wearing Star Wars costumes but acting as if they’re in “Where Eagles Dare.” This station of the Life Day reminds us all that if your actors haven’t seen the source material, give them better notes than just “Space Nazi.”
Jefferson Starship!
Hands down the greatest performance of the greatest song by the greatest iteration of this band, and if you disagree you are a blasphemer!
Lumpy Watches A Cartoon Starring His Dad and Friends, Challenging Our Notion Of Reality Itself
During the raid of their home, Lumpy finds solace in a cartoon. Curiously, the cartoon characters are his dad Chewbacca, Luke Skywalker, and several other of the rebels the empire is currently looking for. So, like, what is this? How does this exist? Is this supposed to be like… did all that happen? It’s confusing, and so is life sometimes, another important lesson.
Boba Fett!
That’s right, the Star Wars Holiday Special cartoon segment marks the first canonical appearance of Boba Fett! In it, our heroes meet Boba for the first time, and he pretends to be a good guy, but all is not what it seems, just like in life. Life Day.
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