15. Lock, Shock and Barrel
Is it just us, or are these three precocious trouble makers would make the perfect stars of a new French extremity-style home invasion thriller?
14. E.T.
There actually IS a scary treatment for an E.T. sequel in existence, written by Stephen Spielberg possibly because he didn’t want to make it and knew the studios would kill it. It features an alien species that resembles E.T. only hairy and with fangs. At one point the evil E.T.’s abduct and psychically torture the children. It’s a pretty good start, but let’s go further. In our version, after the real E.T. comes to save the day, the real horror begins. Maybe E.T. didn’t just heal Elliot with his finger… maybe we now find the boy slowly mutating into a hideous monster, and we follow his painful journey as he is fully aware with each passing minute he becomes a little less Elliot and a little more… something else. Something that doesn’t have a name, that doesn’t confine to our earth-bound human definitions of form, something that shakes us all to the chore to even look at. We’re talking full-on “Annihilation” style cosmic horror that will make children literally lose their minds.
13. Slimer
You ever look at Slimer and think to yourself “Who was this guy?” He’s a ghost, and most ghosts look like people, so was there a guy who looked like Slimer and then died? Our Slimer origins story will make you wish you never asked. It’s the story of a grotesque slothful heathen so depraved he makes the guy from “Human Centipede 2” look like Mr. Rogers.
12. Return to Return to Oz
Here’s another movie that comes close to turning a childhood classic into a full-blown existential nightmare, but we think it could go just a bit further. It’s the modern day, and Dorothy, now an elderly woman, is on death row for a horrible crime the details of which are known to us only by the look of disgust on the faces of everyone she sees. During her execution, something goes haywire with the electric chair, and a swirling blue vortex once again brings her to the land of OZ, now in full decay. The entire movie follows Dorothy as she explores the horrors of the late-great Emerald City. The wheelers are all syphilitic junkies, the munchkins hang from barren trees like apples, the Tin Man has renounced his heart and joylessly murders everyone in his path. It’s not really a plot-centric film, more a brooding meditation on sin and consequence. Happy Halloween!
11. The Midnight Society
There are a lot of ways you could go with a hard R You Afraid of the Dark. You could take an iconic episode and make it feature-length with tons of gore, or you could do a balls-to-the-wall anthology, but we think the best way to go is to focus on The Midnight Society kids themselves. What drives these children to sneak out of their homes late at night and commune in the woods to terrify one another? What are their lives like? It seems like the real monsters here are their abusive/neglectful parents, and tonight, The Midnight Society will have its revenge in the horrifying tale “The Midnight Society Goes Full Menendez.”
10. Frankenweenie
“The Bitch of Frankenweenie.” It’s exactly how it sounds.
9. Gravity Falls: Fire Walk With Me
Kristen Schaal lends her voice to this beloved children’s show about two siblings spending the summer at their Grandfather’s Cryptid tourist trap in a small town full of cooky-spooky secrets and surprises. It’s fun, but it’s time to take the show back to its “Twin Peaks” inspired routes. We plan on putting David Lynch himself at the helm of “Gravity Falls: Fire Walk With Me.” When Dipper and Mable find a severed human arm in the woods they embark on an investigation that leads to the seedy underbelly of Gravity Falls, a place where nothing is as it seems and no one is who they claim to be. It’s a 5-hour long disjointed surrealist nightmare that will challenge the viewer’s very grip on reality, featuring such horrors as a 7-minute long closeup of a ceiling fan set to ominous drone sounds.
8. Bunnicula
It’s just “Let The Right One In,” but with a bunny rabbit.
7. The Sanderson Sisters
We really thought Disney was going to explore the sinister depravity of coven life with “Hocus Pocus 2” but lo and behold all we got was more of the same cartoony Hollywood bullshit. Guess we’ll have to do it ourselves. We plan to tap Rob Zombie to helm “Hocus Pocus 3” based on the strength of “Lords of Salem.” We open on the sisters, now in their haggard old crone forms, dancing jubilantly and naked around a boiling cauldron in the middle of the woods with a goat, who we watch them have sex with and then eat raw over the course of 45 minutes in real-time. The vistage of their false beauty restored by this arcane ritual they hit the town seducing unsuspecting lonely men and leading them into a metaphysical void where the sisters feed upon their life force. It’s been two movies already, it’s time to deliver on the promise.
6. Ernest
We saw Ernest hold his own against witches, ghouls, and goblins in “Ernest Scared Stupid,” but in this crossover film, we’ll see how he fairs against Jigsaw.
5. Witch Hazel
We’re sick and tired of seeing a powerful bride of Satan reduced to nothing more than a monster of the week punching bag for the likes of Buggs Bunny. It’s time for Lady Hazel to have her revenge on the entire Looney Tunes cast of characters. Think less Witch Hazel and more Vvitch Hazel. “Wouldst thou like to live deliciously, dear rabbit? In my boiling cauldron that is! Tehehe, your life force makes me young again!”
4. Count Duckula
Count Duckula is canonically a vegetarian, the ritual to resurrect him having been botched by using ketchup instead of blood, and we’re not going to tamper with that. Instead, our Count Duckula will be a brooding meditation on the weight of immortality on the soul. We follow Duckula through the ages, watching generations of loved ones come and go, being reduced to lethargy and depression yearning for a death that simply won’t come. Over time his psyche becomes grotesque. He can no longer remember the names and the faces of those he’s lost, and he begins to lose his grasp on who he even is. He inevitably gravitates toward the business world where his detachment and lack of empathy make him a titan in the burgeoning tech industry. No blood or jump scares to be found here, but the existential dread and nihilism will stay with you and your family for years to come.
3. Young Frankenstein
“Young Frankenstein” is a timeless family-friendly Halloween classic, and to dismantle it we’ll need to lean hard into the early career of the titular star Peter Boyle. Set several decades after the original, the monster, now imbued with not only elephantine strength but also the intellectual cunning of his creator, haunts porno theaters and stalks sex workers in 1970s Times Square.
2. Teen Wolf
“Adult Wolf” picks up several years after “Teen Wolf” and sees Scott, having long left basketball and lycanthropy behind, trying to make it in the cut-throat world of a large New York City law firm. Dissatisfied with his lack of growth at the firm he falls back on old habits, revealing to his co-workers that he can transform into a wolf. Unfortunately being a werewolf carries no advantage in the courtroom, so he snaps and bites everyone’s throats out.
1. Sully from Monsters Inc.
Boo, now an adult, is a successful children’s book author writing about a gang of friendly monsters from what she believes to be dreams she had as a child. One night, on a desolate road, she gets into a car accident with a large shadowy figure in a trench coat, and as she hands her insurance information over she realizes the man is none other than Sully, the friend she assumed was imaginary. Suddenly Sully holds a rag over her face, and she awakes in an underground bunker. Sully explains that the world is ending and that he built this place to keep her safe. Is he telling the truth? And if he is, does that really mean she can trust him? You get it, it’s “10 Cloverfield Lane” but John Goodman is Sully instead of that other guy. It could work!
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