Your mom is a classy lady—she wasn’t raised in a barn for gosh sake! And that means she’s offended. A lot. She just wishes that other people, especially these tacky musicians, knew how to conduct themselves in a public setting. I mean, the things they do to get on the front page of some gossip rag! What do their mothers think about that? Disgusting… Anyway, here are the top 20 iconic performances ranked by how personally attacked your mom felt by them.
20. Rihanna’s 2023 Superbowl Halftime Show Performance
This one is fairly tame. Your mom only thinks that Rihanna should smile more, and that she looks fat. Also, she’s ruining your mom’s day with this “weird performance of people gyrating in sweatsuits. Jeez, they couldn’t even bother to wear a nice pair of slacks.” How is your mom supposed to take Rihanna seriously with that belly hanging out? Oh… she’s pregnant? Well that’s rude of her to interrupt the superbowl with a pregnancy reveal.
19. P!nk’s 2010 Grammys Performance
Your mom actually liked this! Her only feedback was that she thinks P!nk would look so much prettier with longer hair. She looks too “butch.” And that hammock thing is really dangerous, she shouldn’t be doing all these acrobatics without some sort of safety gear. But she has a beautiful voice and figure. You know, your mom used to look like her back in her day, too!
18. Sam Smith and Kim Petras’ 2023 SNL Performance
Your mom is confused by this one—she’s mainly wondering what happened to that nice, clean cut boy who used to wear a little suit when he sang? Men aren’t supposed to wear dresses! That’s not the America she grew up in, so it scares her. When she notices he’s wearing lipgloss, it nearly gives your mom a coronary.
17. Shakira and Jennifer Lopez’s 2020 Superbowl Halftime Show Performance
After her iconic performance in ‘Hustlers,’ J.Lo brought pole dancing to the Superbowl and boy, did your mom hate it. At age 51, all anyone could think about was how friggin’ ripped Jennifer was, but not your mom! She was furious that a family event would call for a stunt as trashy as this. Little kids are watching! And seniors, for that matter, too. This could give someone a heart attack, or worse, remind them that women have stopped repressing their sexuality.
16. Lizzo’s 2019 BET Awards Performance
For obvious reasons, your mom has instant beef with Lizzo. Lizzo is confident, talented, and a free spirit—none of which your mom approves of, for some reason. Anyway, your mom enjoyed the part where she played the flute. All other comments were about her BMI, as if she were a doctor. Always fun!
15. Beyonce’s 2018 Coachella Performance
This show went hard. And great news, your mom actually likes Beyonce for the most part. However, she thinks she should have been at home with her kids instead of “gallivanting around in the desert.” Aside from that, she thinks Beyonce gave a great performance. She just needs to “get her priorities in order.”
14. Fergie’s 2020 NBA All-Star Game Performance
“Ok, lady, just stick to the song like it’s meant to be sung. We don’t need all these bells and whistles.” Your mom clearly takes offense to how violently Fergie murders this one, as does the rest of America. You have no choice but to stand behind her in this decision. “Finally! You agree with me on something,” your mom says. This moment is fleeting.
13. Eminem and Elton John’s 2001 Grammys Performance
This incredible collab between two absolute icons was controversial, but made for an amazing performance. However, your mom will never really “get” rappers. “They’re just talking, does that take talent?” She really wishes that Elton could have just performed alone in one of his funny costumes. She’ll never acknowledge that he is gay.
12. Britney Spears’ 2001 VMA Performance
Let’s admit it, this was way too sexy for your mom. She was going to hate this from the start. Britney used to be this “cute little girl from the Mickey Mouse club,” and now she’s “slanging snakes half-naked on stage.” Your mom wishes she’d play “Oops, I Did It Again,” and is severely disappointed by all the public grinding. She’s planning on writing a letter to MTV about this.
11. Lady Gaga’s 2011 VMA Performance
Gaga’s gender-bending performance featuring Jo Calderone threw your mom for a loop. “What the heck? She looks gross!” Honestly, not the worst reaction in the grand scheme of things. “That Lord Googoo or whatever is just so weird. Why can’t she just be normal for once?” If we tried to explain the absolute artist that is Gaga, it would definitely fly straight over your mom’s head and into a cabinet full of precious moments figurines.
10. Kanye West’s 2010 VMA Performance
When Kanye was at his peak, it was rock bottom for your mom. Yes, he stole the mic from Taylor the year before, but at this point, we were still rooting for him. Maybe she saw something we didn’t. Mainly she doesn’t understand “why he has to use so many curse words in his lyrics.” It’s concerning for her, especially because she’s used to the carefully edited Christian values of The Hallmark channel.
9. Cardi B’s 2019 Grammy Performance
This is bone-chilling for your mom to watch. Morning sex? I like sex? These are lyrics that will haunt her forever. She is actually shorting out and her eye is twitching. She isn’t really saying much about it but you swear you saw blood dripping out of her left ear. Is stigmata occurring? You need to be careful not to wake the beast in a situation like this.
8. Marilyn Manson’s 1997 VMA Performance
Sometimes you just wanna mess with your mom and show her a performance you know will upset her. This definitely fits the bill! She unsurprisingly hates it will a fiery passion. “This is what the world is coming to,” she says, as she spirals over the stove. “This is terrible. That thing is scary.” You know what, she’s not wrong!
7. Prince’s Super Bowl Halftime Show 2007
“Okay, now that’s just disgusting! Really??” Were the first words out of your mom’s mouth when she realized that Prince’s guitar looked like his dick. You had a little chuckle and were just like, “nice,” but this seriously ruined your mom’s very chaste gathering. She never liked Prince anyway, and this really put the nail in the coffin. He was far too comfortable with himself and his sexuality to ever make the cut.
6. Lady Gaga’s 2009 VMA Performance
Gaga makes the list again with her infamous “Paparazzi” performance. This is the performance that started it all for your mom. Gaga made her uncomfortable with “the creepy mask” and “blood everywhere.” Your mom feels extremely uneasy about this one, and is honestly more scared than offended. Sweet dreams, mommy.
5. Snoop Dogg, 50 Cent, Mary J. Blige, Eminem, Dr. Dre, and Kendrick’s 2022 SuperBowl Halftime Show
This show and set design were absolutely incredible. You felt like you were being transported back in time to a nostalgic wonderland when times were simpler. That is until your mom inevitably asks, “Who’s that?” seven consecutive times. She has no idea what’s going on, or who any of these people are. Except for “Snoopy Dogg” who she saw on the Martha Stewart show once. And for that reason, she hates it.
4. Sinead O’Connor’s 1992 SNL Performance
This caused what some might call a “mental breakdown.” Your ultra-conservative mom was not going to watch some bald-headed witch talk bad about The Pope. She’d apparently been training her whole life for this exact scenario, because you anxiously watched her begin a ritual of Hail Marys, worried prayers, and sips of Franzia boxed wine.
3. Janet Jackson & Justin Timberlake’s 2004 Superbowl Halftime Show Performance
Your mom will always choose violence in the case of Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction. In a post-Timberlake world it may seem insane to side with anyone but the victim, but you just don’t understand what Janet’s boob did to your mom. Just agree with her that this sicko experienced an unfortunate mistake that caused her years of grief and shame in a society that hates women. It’s easier.
2. Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke’s 2013 MTV VMA Performance
You know what? We have to agree with your mom on this one, this was a hard watch. But while we understand that Miley was just going through some growing pains, your mom will take this one to the grave. Unfortunately, Miley really screwed the pooch when she twerked on a married man (regardless of how predatory he is). The term “classless” will always be used in this context.
1. Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera & Madonna’s 2003 VMA Performance
This performance flipped a switch. Your mom responds with a visceral reaction to this homoerotic kiss enjoyed around the world. “EW!” she shouts while clutching her invisible pearls. To her, this is just “wrong on so many levels.” She’s not sure why that gross Madonna would corrupt a couple of nice girls like that. Oh well, now they’re all trash harlots who deserve nothing less than the guillotine.