How many times have you been watching a scary movie and couldn’t help shouting, “Don’t go in there!” Here are ten of the worst, most idiotic decisions guaranteed to result in a gruesome horror film demise.
Visiting a small town in the middle of nowhere
This is always a recipe for disaster. At best, you’ll discover a bizarre pagan cult run by a gang of murderous children. At worst, they might not even have a Jersey Mike’s.
Staying Overnight at an Abandoned Psychiatric Hospital Built on a Native American Burial Ground without Checking the Yelp Reviews First
Wow, this must be your first horror movie, huh? Of COURSE the abandoned psychiatric hospital built on a Native American burial ground looked like it had a lot of character in the listing photos. But did you even make sure it has free parking on the premises?!?
Saying “Sure, I Guess That Could Work…” to M. Night Shyamalan
No, he’s not kidding. If you don’t tell M. Night no, he will 100% do whatever crazy ass nonsense he typed into his phone’s notepad at 3 a.m. the night before shooting. Great, now it turns out that the monster was actually just a metaphor for homelessness and you can kill it by giving it a hug or some bullshit.
Having Sex with Bobby Joe Down by the Old Boathouse
Everyone knows that any character in an ‘80s horror movie who gets laid is bound to be brutally murdered. This is because slasher movies have a deeply ingrained moralistic subtext, and also because they were almost exclusively made by male virgins.
Searching a Room Full of Potential Weapons for Something to Defend Yourself With and Choosing a Rolled-Up Newspaper
What’re you going to do, swat the monster to death? It’s not a fly! Unless it actually is the Fly, in which case…good call, I guess.
Buy an Antique
First of all, it’s definitely cursed, just look at the weird ass facial expression the cashier had when you bought it. Second, since when did you become your Aunt Sharon? What’s next, you’re going to start drinking Earl Grey tea and watching “Dancing With the Stars”?
Taking a Shower in a Roadside Motel
A.)The creepy desk clerk is watching you shower. B.) He’s going to stab you to death. C.) The water pressure is absolute garbage, you can’t regulate the water temperature, the grout situation is fucked, and the shampoo and body wash are in weird, little unmarked bottles. Gross.
Assuming Your Parents Weren’t Part of a Vigilante Mob that Tracked Down a Child Killer and Burned Him Alive
Dude, do you ever even listen to your parents? Your dad gave me a ride home from soccer practice literally once and he spent the entire drive bragging about the time he and his neighbors cornered a child killer in a boiler room back in the day and straight up murdered his ass. Then he made us listen to Aerosmith.
Be Craig T. Nelson
You’re Emmy-winning actor Craig T. Nelson and you expect to survive this horror movie? Get fucked, buddy.
Expecting the Cops to Help You
Horror movies are unrealistic, but they’re not that unrealistic.