REDMOND, Wash. — Nintendo executives expressed shock upon learning fans do not like their online service because they reportedly have not received any complaints from their customer service fax machine.
“I think you might be blowing this out of proportion because if people are as upset as you say, why haven’t we gotten a single fax complaining about it?” said Nintendo of America CEO Shuntaro Furukawa at a press conference. “We’ve made the fax number very accessible, for example in Breath of the Wild if you collect all the korok seeds and then climb the fifth tallest mountain, the number is right there on the side of the wall.”
“If people think the way we run our services are ‘clunky’ or ‘outdated,’ there’s nothing stopping them from getting out their fax machine, typing up a complaint, printing it out, and faxing it to the appropriate customer service representative,” Furukawa explained. “It’s really that simple.”
Nintendo of America COO Reggie Fils-Aimé attempted to spin the situation as part of Nintendo’s tradition of caring about their customer’s experience.
“[Sending a fax] gives Nintendo fans the emotional connection they have come to expect in all our offerings. Think of your personal relationships and you will find the deepest, most meaningful ones consist of memories both happy and sad,” Fils-Aimé told reporters, spinning his gears. “That philosophy is why we make you download a separate app on your phone to do voice chat, because you can’t appreciate something that asks nothing of you.”
“People think they want the sex doll-esque online service offered by Sony and Microsoft — catering to their every whim without no complexity — but deep down, they desire the imperfect, human sexual experience offered by Nintendo Online.”