MADISON, Wis. — Noticing the copious golden earwax covering your Eargasm concert earplugs, a depraved concertgoer at the Riff Palace Festival asked if you were interested in eating the nasty sludge coating, vomiting audience members reported.
“So are you going to eat that? Or can I have it? Don’t just throw it away- there are kids in starving countries who would love to have that,” asked Trevor Pinnelli, while motioning towards the gunk-coated earplugs as if they were a large carton of fries. “And look, if there happens to be some dust or dandruff mixed in, all the better. I’ve been working out lately and could use some extra protein. I’m pretty sure dandruff is all protein. Or maybe carbs. Either way, I’m bulking.”
You were horrified to learn that your method of removing your earplugs in between sets at the Riff Palace Festival was not nearly as covert as you had hoped.
“Sure, I produce an egregious amount of earwax and I don’t always remember to clean them after a show, but that doesn’t give this pica-ass motherfucker Trevor the right to ask for my bodily secretions as food,” you stated, hoping your friends focus on the creep rather than your lackluster ear canal hygiene. “He must have been on the lookout, because it only takes me 1.5 seconds to go from ear to carrying case. I practice. It’s a genetic thing. My dad made candles out of his earwax. I’m childfree by choice so as to stop the cycle of wax.”
Manufacturers of concert-grade earplugs are developing cutting-edge technology to go alongside the live music experience.
“I’m going to be very real with you right now- I developed an automotive engine that can run entirely on earwax,” admitted Eargasm founder and CEO Ryan Parry. “In order to perfect the design, we need a gag-inducing amount of human earwax. So I created Eargasm earplugs to help our collection efforts. A small number of buyers try them on, realize there’s no special ‘music attenuation’ or whatever bullshit our marketing says, and send them back with wads of wax in tow. You know how they call oil ‘black gold’? Well, they’re soon going to call earwax ‘gold gold.’”
Subsequent witness reports indicated Pinnelli was last seen at the festival’s exit, digging through trash for poorly applied wristbands with hair caught in the adhesive portion.