LOS ANGELES — Actor William H. Macy insisted that, unlike his “Boogie Nights” costar Mark Wahlberg, had he been aboard one of the hijacked planes on September 11, 2001, the death toll would have been significantly higher, confirmed sources.
“I can tell you right now, if I had been on that plane, no one would have made it out alive,” said Macy. “I mean, what was I going to do? Take control of the cockpit? I’d have spent the whole flight sweating through my shirt and stammering for a drink. Or worse yet, I probably would accidentally overpower the hijackers through some farcical turn of events, only to then fail to stick the landing and ironically knock out several more skyscrapers along the way. If it weren’t for me not being on that plane that day, we would’ve had a much more tragic 9/11. You’re welcome.”
TSA agents who have worked with Macy at Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) confirmed that the actor’s presence in high-stress situations often induces more chaos than calm.
“Oh yeah, the shovel guy from ‘Mystery Men.’ I’ve seen him before. The guy is a walking panic attack,” said TSA agent Linda Rodriguez, who asked not to be named for fear of reprisal. “One time, he accidentally set off his own metal detector because he was so nervous about putting his belt back on. Can you imagine him facing down terrorists? Hell, if Al Qaeda met this guy, they probably would feel so bad about how pathetic he is they’d just give up on fighting ‘The Great Satan’ all together.”
Dr. Jennifer Klein, a Hollywood psychologist specializing in celebrity behavior, explained that Macy is actually an outlier in egotistical movie stars.
“Everyone picks on Marky Mark for this one, but the truth is the majority of celebrities fantasize about how if they were suddenly dropped into some great, historical tragedy, they’d be able to save the day,” explained Klein. “For instance, actor David Krumholtz once posted 30 tweets in less than an hour explaining how, if he were on the Titanic, he could have dropkicked the iceberg away from the boat.”
At press time, Macy is avoiding air travel and quietly preparing for his latest role in which he’ll be playing a sentient block of silken tofu.
