TUCSON, Ariz. — Local werewolf Steve Callahan was under fire today after an unexpected transformation left his wolf form trapped in a hot car, concerned sources confirmed.
“How was I supposed to know the full moon would be visible in the middle of the day? I was just sitting in my car and suddenly I’m a werewolf, I can’t get the doors open cause I don’t have thumbs, and some Karen is calling the cops,” said Callahan, trying to cover himself with his tattered clothes. “Next thing I know this lady smashes the window, I black out during my werewolf rampage, and I wake up naked in jail. How can I get arrested for animal abuse when I’m the animal?”
Concerned bystander Gloria McHale came across the snarling nine-foot hellhound trapped in the car and immediately called 911 to help rescue the animal.
“The audacity of that horrible man to leave his sweet little angel puppy in that hot car! That poor little pup was so scared that he was clawing at the windows and biting through the steering wheel in one chomp. It’s no wonder he mauled all those people after we set him free,” said McHale, patching up a bite on her arm. “And worst of all they found the dog’s terrible owner the next day naked in some gutter, ranting about how he was actually the dog—no doubt coming down from some drug trip.”
Damien Krieger, spokesperson for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Cryptids, warned of the importance of protecting your animal transformation.
“While Lycanthropes might not be able to choose exactly when they transform, it’s their responsibility to take extra precautions near full moons to ensure the safety of their werewolf form. We recommend not participating in certain activities during that time of the month, like operating heavy machinery or being around a bunch of Halloween chocolate that might make your wolf sick,” said Krieger, throwing red paint on a display selling genuine Chupacabra leather. “Now you can’t always avoid things that might trigger your wolf form, like holidays with fireworks, but you should at least wrap yourself in a ThunderShirt so you don’t frighten your werewolf with scary noises.”
At press time, local vampire Andrei Moldovan was facing a fine for animal endangerment after he transformed into a bat and accidentally got tangled up in his clothesline.