ST. LOUIS — Local wedding DJ Ron “Mixmaster” McAllister was left in a state of utter bewilderment last Saturday after discovering that all music did not, in fact, cease to be produced after the year 1998, confirmed baffled sources.
“I was flabbergasted. I genuinely thought that the ‘Cha Cha Slide’ was the last song ever put down,” admitted McAllister, whose music collection truncates with Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” from the “Armageddon” soundtrack. “Who are these Taylor Swift and Ice Spice people? I thought the music ended when it had peaked with Goo Goo Dolls, Whitney Houston, and Boyz II Men. I had no idea that people kept making new music after that. I mean, why would they when you already have Bryan Adams’ ‘(Everything I Do) I Do It for You’? You can’t go up from there.”
However, local newlyweds Jessica and Mike Stevens wanted to share their first dance to one of their favorite chart-toppers from the 2010s, which only confused McAllister.
“We asked if he could play our song ‘Shape of You’ by Ed Sheeran and [McAlister] just stared at us blankly. I mean, it’s a really popular song, people actually make fun of us for picking such a basic song,” said the bride, who burst into tears when McAllister played “The Chicken Dance.” “So we asked for ‘Get Lucky’ by Pharrell Williams, ‘Levitating’ by Dua Lipa, or anything by Post Malone or Chappell Roan. He didn’t even realize we were listing musicians. Christ, we would have even taken ‘Blurred Lines.’”
Dr. Christina Harmon, professor of Wedding Music Theory at Washington University, is quite familiar with this all too common phenomenon.
“Most wedding DJs are at least 20 years behind the curve of popular music. You can still hear ‘Macarena,’ ‘Achy Breaky Heart,’ and ‘YMCA’ at most weddings, as if nothing better has come out since. It might get the parent’s dancing, but newlyweds don’t want to hear it,” Dr. Harmon explained. “Most of these DJs got their start in the ’80s and ’90s and never updated their playlists. The result is an endless loop of ‘The Electric Slide,’ ‘Shout,’ and ‘Don’t Stop Believin.’ It’s as if these DJs are frozen in time, oblivious to the evolution of music past the days of ‘The Hokey Pokey’ and ‘Sweet Caroline.'”
As of press time, McAllister admits that he has fallen behind in the times and has announced that he will start investing in Compact Discs as a means to catch up with modern trends and has already added PSY’s “Gangnam Style” to his repertoire.