DEERFIELD, Ill. – Walgreens announced today that it would be closing 1,200 retail stores after unsuccessfully implementing a policy of locking entire facades of their stores behind plastic cases, company executives have confirmed.
“Walgreens prides itself on being the go-to pharmacy for communities across the country. Unfortunately, we compromised on that mission when we started locking up the shampoo and just kinda snowballed into encasing entire storefronts with 4 inch bulletproof glass that can only be unlocked by an employee that is nowhere to be found. It was only meant to deter shoplifters but unfortunately it has deterred literally everyone,” said executive Charles Pakowski. “It was only meant as a means of inventory control, but instead half of the stores are running out of oxygen and it’s made deliveries next to impossible, so at this rate it’s more economically viable to sunset our brick and mortar and plastic operations.”
Customers felt betrayed by the company’s decision to shutter stores rather than relax their display configuration.
“This is ridiculous! They make us wait in an hour-long line for someone to let us in one at a time and then inside every square inch of the store is locked up, even the pharmacists. All I wanted was some damn aspirin and maybe an iced tea and it turned into a four-hour ordeal,” said Patricia Collins. “The last straw is that they even lock up the self-checkout machines like they’re afraid people are going to make off with the receipt paper. This is why I shop at Walmart now, they don’t give a shit whether anyone pays or not.”
Bankruptcy lawyers involved with Walgreens’ decision indicated that these decisions are the new normal.
“Retail companies have been caught in a tough spot with economically strained customers stealing basic necessities. Protecting their inventory with security casing seemed like a solution in the short term, but it’s led to immense resentment in that the stores do not trust the customers and it’s fucking impossible to find someone to open a case for pair of nail clippers,” said attorney Mitch Wallace. “Earlier today I helped True Value Hardware file for Chapter 11 because people were turned off by the private military company they hired to protect the socket wrenches. It’s only going to get worse.”
As of press time, Walgreens announced an additional 200 stores would be closing after fed-up customers began boosting the stores completely out of their foundations.