AUSTIN, Texas — Local hardcore band Good Damage headlined a packed Valentine’s Day show that some are calling “the worst date ever,” sources redownloading Tinder confirm.
“When the cute guy from the bar passes you a bright pink flyer advertising a Valentine’s Day show, I expect at least some level of commitment to the theme — and no, asking people to form a heart-shaped circle pit doesn’t count,” said reluctant attendee Katie Pacheco. “Date nights should be steamy, and I don’t mean the amount of steam and sweat in the room. The smell alone is going to haunt me for years. Seriously, expensive cologne is not a substitute for deodorant.”
Trevor Yates, Pachecho’s date for the evening, insists the Good Damage show was a romantic and enjoyable Valentine’s Day experience.
“I bring girls to shows all the time and none of them ever complain,” Yates said while waiting for Pacheco to text him back. “Hardcore shows are totally romantic if you follow proper pit etiquette. Just pick up your date when a burly guy in an 100 Demons hoodie cartwheels into her, buy her a long-sleeved shirt from the merch table so she doesn’t get cold, and bring a box of chocolates for the two of you to snack on in between sets. Sure, I ate most of the sea salt truffles before doors, but it’s the thought that counts.”
Good Damage frontwoman Maya Cooley did not expect the Valentine’s Day show to attract couples, and apologized for the confusion.
“We were really in over our heads when we agreed to play a Valentine’s Day show in the first place,” Cooley admitted outside of the green room. “Personally, I imagined this as more of an alternative to the holiday than a place to unironically celebrate it. I hope everyone who came out enjoyed themselves and maybe picked up a record or two, but I’m really sorry to anyone who expected us to toss rose petals off the stage or play sappy love songs. Maybe next year we’ll sell out and cover ‘Can’t Help Falling In Love’ or something.”
At press time, Pacheco and Yates’ second date was canceled due to lack of interest.