HUNTERSVILLE, N.C. — Former talent acquisition specialist Remy Dolan confirmed this week that he still honors his old company’s tradition of Casual Friday despite not having worked since July, mildly disgusted sources reported.
“Oh shoot, I almost forgot. It’s Friday, isn’t it? I guess I should get out of these dirty sweatpants and grease-stained T-shirt and into something more comfortable,” said the once-office-favorite at NVIDIA, trading fresh boxers for a used pair of boxer-briefs and pulling over a bleached-stained “Steve’s Bachelor Party Boca Raton 2007” tank. “That’s better. Now I can achieve the same level of production while maximizing my comfort. And to think I was about to run a comb through my hair and put on some deodorant.”
Dolan’s wife confirmed that even though he does nothing all day, her husband remains committed to the rhythms—and platitudes—of the workweek.
“I come home and the leaves aren’t raked, the breakfast dishes are festering in the sink, and the front door is mysteriously ajar. Our Netflix history shows he watched all of ‘The Sopranos’ and ‘The Crown’ in three days,” said Harriet Dolan, a local mortician. “And yet he groans about how he can’t wait for Hump Day and ‘Is it Friday yet?’ Thursday night he sets out his stinkiest, most Bill-Bellichick-awful clothes on the dresser because, I guess, when you’re unemployed, Casual Friday takes on new heights.”
When asked how he managed Casual Friday at the workplace, Dolan’s former supervisor admitted there were still some kinks to be worked out.
“He never really got the hang of it when he was here,” said NVIDIA branch manager Tabitha Scott. “Sometimes he seemed to confuse Casual Friday for ‘PJ Day’ and came in with fuzzy slippers and a teddy bear. Other times he unzipped his fly and let his shirttail poke out. And then there was the Friday he cut a big hole in the back of his pants and walked around the office with a bare ass. It was funny the first time, but eventually we had to let him go. That said, we’re happy to hear Remy’s been working things out at home.”
At press time, Dolan was overheard lumbering out of bed at 11:00 a.m. muttering, “Holy shit, is it really Monday again?”
