NEW YORK — President Donald Trump vowed to bring sweatshops back to the US by reverting chic loft apartments, confirmed uneasy sources.
“We’re going to have the greatest garment factories ever. You’ll all thank me. These expensive lofts will become the heart of American fashion and industry right here,” said Trump. “We’re going to get people back to work. Just like the old days when working conditions were hazardous and workers were dehydrated. In the end, you all will say, ‘Look at all of these beautiful American women wearing stylish American clothes. Now we make the best clothing here at home in America. Not China!’ It’s going to be big. So big. Even Canada will be wearing our clothing.”
Residents of an urban loft building have been caught off guard by the threats of being displaced.
“I can’t believe they would just kick us out to build a factory in a factory building. Is this post-gentrification displacement?” asked Williamsburg loft resident, artist, and part-time server Sylvie Lennox. “I’ve been living in the loft for five years and because of rent control, my 400-square-foot apartment is currently only $4,000 per month. I picked this loft because we didn’t want to pay for a gentrified space where a poor person was displaced. I know that not every broke person has a parent that can afford to pay this much. Now I could possibly experience homelessness if my parents can’t help me find a new place to live.”
Crust punk Johnny “Chaos” Burton stated that he squatted in the building off and on from 2006 until 2009.
“That place was friggin’ sweet until those fucking hipsters came and ruined it. I can’t even count the number of times Leftöver Crack played in that building, but honestly that’s because I was blacked out most of the time,” said Burton, currently unhoused and transient. “In fact, I used to also work in the illegal underground sweatshop that they used to run here. We made patches and stickers and sold them at shows. Those were better times when I was making a good 35 bucks a month while only working 60 hours a week. Glad to see this place return to its roots.”
At press time, Trump promised that only children will be working in these sweatshops.