WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump directed his soon-to-be Secretary of Education, Linda McMahon, to immediately shut down the predominantly black school from the TV show “Abbott Elementary,” according to nearby sources not entirely surprised.
“There’s no place for DEI in America’s schools,” blurted out Trump as he interrupted a high-level meeting about the Gaza war. “Our education system has been in decline for decades, with the specific exception of 2016-2020 when our kids had the biggest brains of all time, which is why it’s vital for us to cancel funding to any schools that are filled with unqualified hires like at Abbott. What the Democrats have allowed to happen is a disgrace, so it’s time to bring us back to our golden age, like when we used to have real Americans in classrooms like those wonderful kids and teachers from ‘90210’ and those beauties from ‘Dawson’s Creek.’”
Cast member Quinta Brunson understandably alarmed by the President’s odd declaration.
“Can someone just tell me when this guy’s dead already?” said Brunson as she walked out of her trailer. “Ever since he won reelection, we’ve been receiving dozens of letters from him about shutting down our ‘school.’ We thought it must have been a prank or something since we assumed the President would be busy with more important things, but apparently not. We all had a good laugh, before the producers just piled up the letters under one of the window sills where the pigeons like to hang out. Now they’re just as full of shit as he is.”
Presidential historian Gilbert Schafer explained how the current administration is waging war on anything, real or fictional, they perceive as DEI.
“We all know it doesn’t make sense that Trump is trying to shut down a school from a fictional TV program because he doesn’t like how many people of color are represented on it, but what can I tell you, this is the shit show we voted for,” said Schafer. “There’s also reports that his crusade will go beyond Abbott, with rumors he’s also trying to replace all repeats of ‘Blackish’ with airings of ‘Yellowstone,’ as well as getting Will Smith’s character from ‘Fresh Prince’ banned from attending Bel-Air Academy altogether and replacing him with Larry the Cable Guy.”
At press time, Trump instructed ICE to arrest A.C. Slater as he walked into Bayside High.