WASHINGTON — The Office of the Surgeon General released comprehensive guidance on using two large stuffed crust pizzas as a first-line medication for severe constipation, a spokesperson confirmed.
“Scientists work ‘round the clock to discover breakthroughs in cures to elusive conditions such as cancers and post-viral illness, but sometimes the most effective treatment is Domino’s,” explained Office of the Surgeon General representative Samantha Mirala. “We’ve confirmed that scarfing two large pizzas infused with mozzarella without the help of any added enzymes is almost as effective as colonoscopy prep to clear you out, and we’re here to tell America: It works 100% of the time. Much like the wheel, pizza shits just don’t need improvement. We’d like to thank Papa John’s for funding our study.”
Looking to share more details about how to incorporate these findings into everyday life, leading gastroenterologist Dr. Matthew Jenkins shared some insights.
“Constipation is on the rise in this country and it has been found to contribute to rates of colon cancer, which has also been increasing,” said Dr. Jenkins. “With intervention at the forefront of my medical praxis and knowledge of the importance of stuffed crusts when it comes to poop, I’ve been prescribing weekly pizza parties for all my lactose intolerant patients. I didn’t need this announcement to know that’s what works best. In medical school, you learn that dairy can be ‘binding’ for the bowels, but butts-on-experience will always win out over textbook knowledge. It’s as simple as this: If you’re backed up and even a little sensitive to dairy, call your favorite pizza delivery boy and light a candle in the bathroom.”
Longtime pizza eater Dave Gregory himself confirmed the Surgeon General’s claim.
“Dude, I knew wearing diapers when I eat pizza without Lactaid pills every day was a healthy choice,” said Gregory. “People are always telling me, ‘Dave, you need to eat vegetables. Dave, you need to eat fruits. Dave, you can’t have pizza for every meal and sometimes as a snack.’ But would fruits, vegetables, and a balanced diet give me such regular stool? I don’t know, I’ve literally never tried. It’s nice to know the Surgeon General and I are on the same page. Suck it, food pyramid!”
At press time, the Department of Health announced that it is working with insurance companies to bring the cost of a 14-inch pizza from $15 to $645.
