ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Sociologists at the University of Michigan have discovered a shocking correlation between Binaca use and an upcoming date with a smoking hot babe, sources report.
“We had expectations going into our field experiments, but this completely blew them out of the water,” said head researcher Carrie Robergh. “We performed an extensive field study over the course of several months, and Binaca was used as an accessory to anticipated intimacy with a totally bodacious hottie in over 80% of our findings. Moreover, the babe in question was completely out of the league of the Binaca user in almost 60% of cases. I don’t even think I need to say it out loud, but this can have staggering implications for horny nerds everywhere.”
Socially awkward dweeb Simon Dorkus reflected on the experiment as he prepared for a date.
“I’m not at all surprised by these findings,” Dorkus said while pushing his thick-rimmed eyeglasses up his nose. “I spend most of my time in Mathletes or playing ‘World of Warcraft’ with my friends, so it’s not every day that I get to go on a date with the prettiest girl in school. Of course I’m going to give myself a spritz of Binaca beforehand, as well as make sure my pants are properly hiked up above my bellybutton and my TI-83 is safely secured in my front left pocket protector. I can’t wait to see how impressed she is when I show her my prowess in calculating logarithms with bases other than 10.”
Dorkus’ date Katelynn Kapranski didn’t see eye to eye with him.
“I initially thought my date with Simon was a tutoring session,” Kapranski admitted. “I’m not doing very well in algebra and my parents won’t let me go to Sunday’s big game against the Wildcats if I don’t ace the midterm tomorrow. I’m the Homecoming Queen, so there’s no way I can miss it. However, when I saw Simon use Binaca before knocking at my front door, I knew this was in fact a date. I’m actually kind of impressed at his boldness, but my boyfriend Brett Norris is not going to be happy when he hears about this. He’s the captain of the football team, so Simon better be careful.”
At press time, the research team made a breakthrough discovery of a link between getting a kiss from the babe and hearing a resounding “whoooo” from an unseen audience.