TACOMA, Wash. — Local cash-strapped punk father Eric Mallory was left with no other choice but to boil and eat the multicolored pasta necklace his son had made him at school for Father’s Day, confirmed sources.
“Fuck, dude. He knows I can’t resist the delicious taste of wearable tri-color rotini,” Mallory expressed as he cut the cotton string holding the necklace together and let the pasta slide off into the boiling pot of water. “I was like seriously hoping it wouldn’t come down to this considering I’ve already been bumming string cheese off the little fucker and eating the crusts off his peanut butter sandwiches, but shit’s been really tight lately since I’ve gotten that DUI on a bike, and my fridge has jack fuck in it right now. I’m just really glad it’s mom’s weekend to have him, I really couldn’t stand for him to see me like this.”
The father’s son, Mica Mallory, revealed that the gift might’ve been intended to eat the whole time.
“I kinda figured he would eat it. That’s why I also gifted him a jar of Ragu,” expressed the 10-year-old, while playing with some empty cardboard boxes at his mom’s boyfriend’s house downtown. “Dad’s house is really fun, but he never has a lot of food. He did have a whole box of Capri-Suns one time and we spent the day drinking them and jumping on random stuff. But yeah, I now understand why he’s always encouraging me to make food art at school.”
Local teachers were all too aware of this phenomenon.
“Financially inept fathers do this kid of thing all the time,” said Ms. Evanston. “First it starts with low-level incidents like eating the pasta necklace their kid made them. Next they’re stealing half their child’s trick-or-treat stash in the middle of the night when they’re asleep. Once they start coming into school lunch hours and asking random children if ‘they’re going to eat that’ before taking a handful of their French fries, that’s when it’s time to call child protective services.”
At press time, Mallory asked his son if his school planned on teaching him how to make any art with fully baked lasagna any time soon.