WASHINGTON — The contest between White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller and YouTube superstar Mr. Beast shows no signs of winding down at the close of its third day, according to rapt audience members.
“This is the match-up of the century and I’m on the edge of my seat!” exclaimed sports commentator Herb Culp. “I’ve been here for all 72 hours and will continue to provide up to the minute play-by-play until a winner is declared. These are truly two of the most dead-eyed contestants I’ve ever seen. This is a classic battle between a pair of world-class athletes who are clearly bereft of anything resembling a human soul. I’ve seen sharks with more emotive eyes. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one for the books.”
Byron Steadman is closely following the match, having placed a large Polymarket wager on Miller to win.
“I’ve got a lot riding on this,” said Steadman as he mopped sweat from his brow. “Basically if Mr. Beast wins, I’m screwed. Don’t tell my wife, but I may have put our house on the line. I thought Miller was a sure thing! He’s not even 40, but just look into those black voids he has for eyes—there’s an ancient, inhuman malevolence lurking down there. I saw a fly land on Miller’s eyeball and just walk around for a while. If he noticed, he made no indication. I figured, how could he lose? But now that I’ve seen the vapid, inhuman stare of Mr. Beast, I’m getting nervous.”
Mr. Beast’s coach Anthony Gleason helped prepare the YouTuber for the epic battle.
“Jimmy and I spent weeks together getting ready for this competition,” said Coach Gleason from the sidelines. “We trained for every possible situation, from rain to windblown sand to people making goofy faces to mess with his concentration. I was worried earlier when I saw Jimmy looking fatigued—I knew he needed energy. But then he wiggled his tongue like a worm and attracted a bird, which he bit and swallowed down whole like a snake, never breaking eye contact with Miller. That’s the kind of dedication Jimmy brings to every project he’s involved in.”
At press time, Mr. Beast’s team accused Miller of cheating by using an earpiece playing audio of crying migrant children to help keep him focused.