FLAGSTAFF, Ariz. — Local punk outfit Scrotal Revolt recently began opening shows with a formal acknowledgment of guitar parts they’ve stolen and appropriated for their own songs, self-righteous sources close to the band reported.
“This shameless, systemic thievery has gone on far too long and we cannot let our own ignorance live in silence anymore,” the band’s singer-guitarist Zach “Rez Hit” Phipps declared while unlocking his e-bike with a bolt cutter. “When we speak the names of bands like New Found Glory, SR-71, and even going back to the true pioneers of punk, Green Day, we not only honor the innovators of these incredibly complex four-chord progressions, but also elevate the consciousness of the whole scene. Beyond just the riff acknowledgments, we’ve started Venmoing 3% of our merch sales directly to members of defunct bands that now drive Uber. Also, we let the nephew of the original bass player of Goldfinger help carry equipment sometimes; inclusion is key. Honestly, it’s humbling to know we’re finally getting it right.”
One longtime Scrotal Revolt fan Colin Storke was less enthusiastic about the band’s new social crusade.
“When I go to a punk show the last thing I’m trying to do is learn,” Storke griped. “I like to get a nice buzz goin’ during the opener, rip my vape pen inside my hoodie right as Scrot-Volt takes the stage and then rock out in the pit, but now I have to sit through this guy whining about preserving the legacy of bands that are from, like, the ‘90s. That’s forever ago- no one cares! Could there be anything less punk than jumping on the overly-apologetic bandwagon? Next thing you know there’ll be a lecture about who invented the power chord? Just play already- I got community service in the morning!”
Linette Bowers, a distinguished music anthropologist at Juilliard, highlighted the reality of the growing trend.
“These stolen riff acknowledgments teeter between earnest historical teachings and patronizing token gestures,” Bowers explained. “So often they have more to do with making the band feel less guilty about their lack of talent than any genuine concern for the rightful creator of a song. Also, some reputations are best left to fade with time, lest some young punk band lift a ‘90s-era Misfits intro and invite Michale Graves on stage and hand him a microphone. This is punk we’re talking about; it’s probably ok to save the riff and forget the riffer.”
At press time, all of Scrotal Revolt were canceled after a stranger posted a TikTok of the band urinating on an indigenous landmark.