SEATTLE — Local woman Bess Corcoran’s recent sexual encounter with her new romantic partner was deemed lackluster after she asked him to spank her, only to receive what she later described as “a tap one would use to burp a baby they don’t know that well,” confirmed sources.
“I thought, let’s have some fun,” Corcoran said, recalling the moment she decided to take things up a notch. “He seemed into it—until he actually did it. It was so soft. Limp. Tentative. Like his own hand was unsure of itself. I tried to pretend it never happened, but he looked so disappointed in himself and just stared at his hand like it had betrayed him. He’s a nice guy. And I love that. But I need him to not be so nice in bed. In fact, I need him to hate me a little. So we’re working on his mild disdain for me.”
Andy Fischer admitted he was wholly unprepared for the request which sent him into an existential crisis of sorts.
“She said, ‘Spank me,’ and I genuinely couldn’t hear her at first so I said, ‘What?’” Fischer explained. “Then she said it again, slower, and I panicked. I wanted to be that guy, I did. The guy who just throws the car in reverse without checking all the mirrors. The guy who orders a whiskey neat and doesn’t blink when it burns. The guy who bites electrical tape instead of using scissors. The guy who smacks his girlfriend’s ass in a single motion that’s firm, decisive, unapologetic. But I’m just not that guy.”
Experts like Dr. Melissa Tran, a certified intimacy coach, say this kind of sexual mismatch is not uncommon.
“Some people simply don’t have the wrist dexterity or emotional detachment required for impact play,” said Dr. Tran. “If your partner’s idea of ‘rough’ is switching to a firmer pillow, you may need to recalibrate expectations, or consider a separate spanking contractor. I find many couples benefit from a third party spanker that can come in and really get the job done, while the non-spanker can hold onto their identity as ‘someone who would never risk hurting a woman with a spank’ and watch as their partner is delighted by the mystique of the independent contractor.”
At press time, Fischer remained determined to become “that guy,” though Corcoran had already begun scouting local men whose spanks come with zero remorse.
