MARSHFIELD, Wis. — Prolific serial killer Earl Hadley expressed hope that his crimes would at least inspire the lyrics to some metal songs after Netflix declined to release a documentary about him, sources report.
“Man, I was really banking on that documentary for some notoriety,” Hadley admitted. “Why else do you think I set up that soundproof shack in my backyard where I skinned all those drifters? I mean, of course I had those sick proclivities that began in early childhood when my mother would force me to wear her underwear to school, coupled with that traumatic head injury when I fell off those monkey bars, but that’s not the whole story. I’ve got to admit that I just really wanted to see an expensive production detailing my upbringing and heinous murders. My only hope now is that some metal bands will write some songs, or maybe an entire album, about me. I didn’t slaughter all those complete strangers for nothing.”
Luis Medina, frontman and lyricist for the band Excoriated Entrails, considered using Hadley as a muse.
“I guess a song about this guy would do in a pinch,” Medina pondered. “I mean, when it comes to serial killers, all the heavy hitters have been claimed by other bands. Macabre has their entire concept album about Jeffrey Dahmer, and Acid Bath used one of John Wayne Gacy’s actual prison paintings as cover art for ‘When the Kite String Pops.’ This Hadley dude seems totally contrived, though, like a wannabe mix of the Toybox Killer and Ed Gein. I’ll make a note to write a verse about him if I’m out of ideas, but I hope I won’t have to resort to that.”
Psychologist Sydney Roberts provided her expertise on the matter.
“Serial killers just assume they’re interesting enough for streaming documentaries and ‘Last Podcast on the Left’ episodes, and it can give them a false sense of entitlement,’ Roberts offered. “More often than not, this results in disappointment when they learn they’re just not captivating or charismatic enough for people to care. It definitely behooves them to lower the bar a little, which is why I applaud Mr. Hadley for his more realistic aims to influence a metal song. I’ve seen so many murderers just fall apart when documentaries don’t happen because they’ve placed all their eggs in that basket.”
At press time, Hadley had settled for being the basis of a Tubi documentary after Medina passed on writing a song about him.