BOSTON — Frequent flyer Kaitlyn Massey was surprised to learn that venerable shock jock Howard Stern is still alive and broadcasting, sources within her family’s group text confirm.
“It was nice of Uncle Craig to volunteer to drive me to Logan,” said Massey while eating a $19 airport Panera salad. “Unfortunately, he insisted on listening to Howard Stern the entire trip. I thought Stern retired like 20 years ago. My uncle understood that some of the subject matter they discussed made me a little uncomfortable, but he said he had to listen live every day and wasn’t willing to turn it off. Don’t get me wrong, Uncle Craig’s not a wholly inconsiderate person—he did crack the window whenever he lit up a butt.”
Uncle Craig Massey was resolute on listening to the show during the ride.
“I’ve listened to Stern every day of my adult life,” said the 55-year-old. “I wasn’t going to miss the live broadcast just because my niece was in the car with me. Sure, Kaitlyn probably didn’t enjoy hearing about Bababooey’s colonoscopy or High Pitch Eric’s taint rash, but she’s an adult, she can handle it. She’s just lucky Stern has toned it down in recent years. The old Stern was pretty liberal with the ‘R’ and ‘N’ words. He’d also do what overly sensitive people these days might call some ‘racist’ voices…That probably wouldn’t have gone over well.”
Stern’s mainstream pivot is what allowed him to survive when so many of his peers lost their gigs, according to ex-shock jock Nicky “The Boof” Monaghan.
“Times changed and anyone who didn’t adapt died off. I miss the halcyon days of the ‘90s when you had your choice of edgy jocks like Opie and Anthony, Bubba the Love Sponge, and Mancow,” said Monaghan. “Back then, any garage, workshop, or job-site you went to was blasting super graphic sex talk and boner sound effects every weekday morning. And yeah, I’ll say it, wokeness killed the shock jock. All of a sudden, regular working class guys were shamed for listening to stuff like fart sounds and porn stars moaning at high volume at work.”
At press time, Ms. Massey opted to spend $250 on an Uber for the return trip from the airport rather than spend any more time in the car with her uncle.