WASHINGTON — Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. today announced his self-appointment as the department’s first Head of Human Centipede, sources confirmed.
“Today is a historic day, as I have generously agreed to have my anus sewn to the face of this brave volunteer, who will soon reap the benefits of my superior nutrition and physical stamina as it travels through my rectum and into his grateful, hungry mouth. The era of Trickle Down Fecalnomics begins now,” said Kennedy Jr., struggling to perform a single pull-up with a man sewn to his ass. “The next volunteer in the chain will then enjoy a steady stream of macronutrients and unvaccinated antibodies delivered from me and filtered through the middle of the human centipede. Independent studies from ancient Sumerian tablets have shown that consuming food retro-anally has numerous health benefits, and my strict diet of unwashed, raw potatoes and horse peptides will ensure they get every nutrient a growing centipede needs.”
Human centipede volunteer Norm Cignetti was reportedly honored to be chosen as the third link in the anal feeding chain.
“Oh Mr. Secretary, sir, I promise you won’t regret choosing me for this prestigious position. I’ve been practicing ever since I got your acceptance letter, and it will be the honor of my life to get down on all fours and gulp down whatever you send my way—for Trump and country,” said Cignetti, giving a statement while being prepped for surgery. “You know I’ve sent fecal samples to every Health Secretary since the Reagan administration, and can you believe that Secretary Kenndedy was the first to respond? Well it’s that kind of visionary leadership that will bring our nation closer as our fellow countrymen join ass-to-mouth to usher in a new era of health and prosperity.”
Renowned crypto-phlebotomist and urine sommelier Gregory Weissman praised the Health Secretary’s selfless sacrifice for the health of the nation.
“Despite RFK Jr.’s recent efforts to end tyrannical vaccine mandates, the generational mRNA trauma that the COVID jab has wreaked on the American people will take decades to reverse. But rather than hoarding and consuming his own excrement to revitalize his own electrolyte pool, RFK Jr. is selflessly allowing his rugged mana to trickle down to needy Americans further down the line,” said Weissman, swirling a vintage 1996 Clooney sample in a specimen container. “Think of the strides we’ll make not only in health and nutrition, but also as a way to solve food insecurity for millions of underprivileged Americans! It’s like I always say: ‘When the American people are all one hole, our nation will be whole.'”
At press time, reporters were unable to obtain a muffled comment from the middle participant in the human centipede.
