WASHINGTON — Members of the GOP claimed that the opening lyrics to the Misfits’ song “Last Caress” was proof that people abort babies post-birth, confirmed sources.
“Plus, the line ‘it doesn’t matter that much to me as long as it’s dead’ is further evidence that liberals do not show remorse for their baby-murdering proclivities,” said Speaker of the House Mike Johnson while applying homemade parental advisory stickers to the “Static Age” album at his local record store. “As conservatives, we take babies very seriously. From nine months before they are born to a few days after, we care deeply about their well-being. After that, they can die of malnutrition or whatever the poors pass away from. That being said, I do quite enjoy that Misfits’ song ‘Bullet’ since I assume it’s pro-Second Amendment.”
Songwriter Glenn Danzig wished more organizations understood that his lyrics aren’t meant to be taken literally.
“You write one song about ending the life of an infant and suddenly everyone has follow-up questions,” said Danzig. “In fact, PETA’s been up my ass for decades about my portrayals of werewolves, hellhounds, and jackals in my lyrical content. They wanted me to tone down the flesh-eating, neck-tearing, and face-gorging, as they claimed werewolves aren’t as murderous as they’re made out to be and are probably more misunderstood if anything. Regardless, I don’t condone killing a baby but I’m totally for singing about in an arena every few months.”
Experts noted that conservatives often have a difficult time understanding messages in horror punk songs.
“Republicans primarily listen to country music where the lyrics are meant to be taken at face value and nothing more. Lyrics from more imagination-based genres are completely lost on them,” said music critic Gene Felder. “For instance, they claimed the Misfits’ song ‘She’ was pushing the pronoun agenda. They also believe the lyrics to ‘I Turned Into a Martian’ was evidence that reptilian lizard people exist. They also pointed to the chorus of ‘Skulls’ as proof that liberals dig up corpses to add to their cranium collections. We all know Democrats don’t do that. Libertarians do. Regardless, conservatives have absolutely no sense of music literacy.”
At press time, Misfits fans were stunned that Republicans didn’t seem to have a problem at all with the rape part of the “Last Caress” lyrics.