WASHINGTON — Secretary of Health Robert F. Kennedy Jr. today revealed the revised food pyramid was developed with input from top scientists from the Purina pet food corporation, sources confirmed.
“Ensuring a nutritious diet is paramount to the health of our country, but the old pyramid turned us into a nation of pasta-maxxing fatties wearing t-shirts in the pool. That’s why I reached out to the fine folks at the Purina corporation for their help developing new protein-based food guidelines that will keep American bodies trim and coats shiny,” said Kennedy Jr., unveiling the new pyramid carved into a side of beef. “The foundation of the pyramid is 12 daily servings of raw meat and beef tallow, which you can supplement with green beans to help feel full while staying at a healthy weight, or a cup of boiled chicken and rice if your tummy hurts. Now we’re not saying that there isn’t room for little treats on the pyramid, as you’ll see the tip leaves room for the occasional raw hide chew or table scrap.”
Purina scientist Gerry Magelhaes, who served as lead on the pet food conglomerate’s partnership with the Trump Administration, lauded the rigorous scientific standards of the new guidelines.
“At the Purina corporation, we share Secretary Kennedy’s vision that every American should receive the proper nutrition required to support strong teeth, good joint health, and wet noses,” said Magelhaes, sampling a vial of grey animal slurry before scribbling down “needs more snouts.” “We know no two Americans are the same, so to help everyone get the nutrition they need we’ve developed new Purina Human Nutrition mixes for children, teens, adults, and even seniors. These convenient meal-replacement pellets can be enjoyed wet or dry, and are formulated to meet the needs of the different human breed standards laid out by DHS Advisor Stephen Miller.”
Health influencer Sterling Patterson commended the Health Department’s new nutrition directives.
“For decades the deep state has been recommending we eat garbage like onions and grapes that are actually poisonous to us, but finally we have a Health Secretary brave enough to stand up for the health of all Americans,” said Patterson during an episode of his podcast “Detox Daddy.” “Just today I caught my son eating a piece of chocolate, but luckily I was able to induce vomiting with 3% hydrogen peroxide solution before the situation was fatal. Thankfully it’s nothing that a dinner of fish oil and raw deer liver can’t fix.”
At press time, the Trump Administration announced the Presidential Physical Fitness test would now emphasize agility and bite strength with an obstacle course and tug of war event.
