WASHINGTON — A new report revealed that among the many issues currently dividing Americans, none is more divisive than how the nation spells the word “chode,” sources doodling a girthy, bulbous phallus confirmed.
“Our data proves there’s never been a time in American history when we’ve had more chodes per capita than right now,” said Val Powley, a Pew Research Center analyst. “Chodes are everywhere. In our government. On social media and reality TV. Sliding into my DMs. We estimate one in four people are chodes, which is almost double where we were 25 years ago. This massive swell in chodes has also resulted in more mentions of the word, and ultimately more conflicting ways of spelling it, deepening the rift among Americans nationwide. We’re seeing many ‘correct’ each other’s spellings over texts with their loved ones. If Merriam-Webster doesn’t step in and settle this once and for all, we may never come together as a nation.”
Even experts with a firm command of the English language have sparred over its spelling.
“Since we’re in this age of nobody’s wrong, everyone wins a fucking prize, we’ve gotten really loose with the rulebook, accepting any ‘chode’ spelling under the sun,” former Scripps National Spelling Bee judge Alistair Worthy said. “Contestants have added extra vowels. They’ve thrown umlauts over consonants. One kid even pulled out a picture of JD Vance without uttering a single letter. So I said ‘I’m sorry, that is incorrect,’ then Scripps fired me, and now I’m suing those chodes for wrongful termination and emotional damages.”
Local fifth grade bully Brett Smythe aimed to set the record straight.
“Listen, these chodes have no clue what they’re talking about,” Smythe whispered. “I should know, I invented the word. Don’t believe me?! Just ask my boy Trevor. Or look in any bathroom stall along the east coast! Or read any comment I’ve left on every loser’s social posts or 4Chan forum. How I spell ‘chode’ is the one and only way to spell ‘chode,’ and if you don’t know it, then you are one!”
At press time, a follow-up report showed the nation is even more at odds over both the spelling and definition of the word “weenus.”