CHICAGO – An ongoing investigation found that, at this very moment, 10 people are looking at your LinkedIn profile and becoming insatiably aroused, multiple sweaty sources report.
“Oh fuck, a ‘go-getter’ and a ‘team player’ is like my wet dream,” recruiter Gina Logan said longingly as she read your bio, barely having a moment to catch her breath before seeing that you strongly believe cooperation is essential when it comes to achieving excellence “And ‘my career trajectory has shaped my life, and vice-versa?’ God, I need some air. I know for sure I’m not the only one who thinks this is unbearably erotic.”
Though LinkedIn has no shortage of desirable young, networking professionals like yourself, your account, in particular, has turned heads and stimulated nether regions in ways few others could ever begin to even dream of.
“This is why I pay for premium,” Fidelity Investments account manager Vince Schofield said while moaning in utter satisfaction as he slowly scrolled down and saw that you’re endorsed for both Digital Marketing and SEO. “I keep meaning to shoot a message where I say how much I’m into Sociology and Psychology double majors, but I don’t wanna come across as creepy. Is three winky face emojis too much? Fuck it, I’m doing it anyway.”
In addition to spurring lustful thoughts in these not-so-secret admirers, your LinkedIn profile, with a professional headshot of you giving that tawdry smile that screams “synergy-minded,” is spawning an enormous amount of sexuality discourse.
“The nature of arousal and attraction has never been a simple topic, of course,” sexologist Anita Stanfield said. “And judging by the response to this LinkedIn profile, it’s only gotten more complicated. We may think that our society has become sexually desensitized, and in a way, we have. But if there’s anything this profile proves, it’s that we can just as easily become ‘re-sensitized. I’m sorry. I better put it down before I get too carried away.”
At press time, none of the 10 people currently getting off to your profile are able to offer any employment at this time. However, they will all keep your resumé on-file and reach out in the event of any future openings.