MISSOULA, Mont. — Real-deal, bloodsucking vampire Count Adhemar Chauve-Souris was vehemently dismissed as a poser today by mall goths he was recruiting for his gaggle of undead ghouls, annoyed shoppers confirmed.
“We were browsing Hot Topic’s ‘Five Nights at Freddy’s’ dolls when this pale, colonial Williamsburg-looking dork approached us asking if we wanted to ‘see something truly macabre,’” said skeptical mall goth Mindy Begenat. “I’m pretty sure that was code for him taking us behind the mall and whipping out his dick. So we told him to fuck off.”
Undeterred, Count Chauve-Souris pursued the teens again, certain that the suburban mall goths would be so enamored with his enigmatic demeanor they would instantly join his brood of night stalkers.
“He followed us to the food court, claiming he was the Lord of the Undead… but he’d never even heard of Bauhaus, because apparently he only listened to harpsichord music,” said fellow teen Joel McKinney. “And when we offered him some Four Loko we snuck into our Burger King cups, he sheepishly said, ‘I don’t drink… Four Loko,’ and started laughing maniacally. Ok, bro.”
The Count admitted he was perplexed by the teens rebuking his gifts of eternal life and the freedom to indulge their basest of desires.
“Look, I’m a centuries-old immortal — I’ve hob-knobbed with the likes of Marquis de Sade and Aleister Crowley; I’ve had experiences mere mortals dare not even dream of,” he said while sheepishly adjusting his cape. “But when that snotty brat in the choker made fun of my frilly lace ascot? It just made me really mad. Why did they have to be so mean?”
After several more escalating incidents, mall security guard Stan Vratislav finally intervened.
“I found this pale creep screaming about some kids dumping vape juice on him and how it’s impossible to clean crushed velvet,” said Vratislav. “As we exited the mall, he kept saying he was going to ‘get me’ — but I’m pretty sure any dude wearing pinky rings and a jade amulet is harmless.”
At press time, Vratislav has been reported missing, and Count Chauve-Souris was last seen prowling the night on what looked suspiciously like the security guard’s Segway.