WASHINGTON – Local punk Rene Johnson was absolutely gobsmacked and quite offended after he got a Slack notification from his boss this afternoon, sources currently on their fifth smoke break of the day report.
“I just couldn’t believe Mr. Morris had the nerve, nay the audacity, to bother me at such an ungodly hour – what is it, 10 p.m.?” Johnson, age 34, said while taking his morning piss. “He asked me to ‘compile a report’ for him. Seriously? I need to set some work boundaries. No wonder people are getting so burned now. It seems bosses can’t stop asking for so much from us. What’s next, no weekends? I’m going to have to block his number after this, this is completely unreasonable behavior.”
Johnson’s boss Tim Morris says this is a pretty normal occurrence at work.
“I sent Rene a Slack asking him to compile a report of our customers’ comments. It should’ve taken an hour, at most, two. But then he responded telling me I had an unhealthy communication style, and how dare I message him?” Morris reported while banging his head against a wall. “He does this all the time. Last week I asked if we could have our weekly team meeting at 12:30 and he said that’s too early and that my expectations were ‘toxic and entitled.’ I would fire him, but his dad is the main founder of the company.”
According to knowledgeable business experts, however, this is a common occurrence for punks in the “normie” workforce.
“This is something we see with punks everywhere and that we work to combat,” said Brandon McLean, director of Premier Punkoaching LLC. “Punks aren’t used to being needed, particularly at ‘odd’ hours of the regular business day such as 10 a.m. on a Thursday, or 3 p.m. on a Monday. So we work on addressing that with our clients across the nation with some practice skills tests. First, we start with easy things, such as texting your friend for a Hulu password on a Wednesday afternoon. And then we say: if you can do that, you can respond to your boss, too!”
At press time, Johnson couldn’t be found as he was taking a nap at 2 p.m. after a hard day of work.