SEATTLE — Local punk venue El Corazon unveiled a new kiss cam to entertain crowds during the long downtimes in between bands, sources who hoped they never get picked to be on it confirmed.
“Each smooch is displayed on our brand new 40-foot Jumbotron so even the motherfuckers in the back of the 50-person capacity venue can see,” said El Corazon owner Neil Drover. “These fans wait upwards of two hours while the next band sets up, so we decided to buy a stadium-grade camera specifically for zeroing in on audience members and forcing them to kiss each other without their prior consent. Sure, most people who get on the cam just end up pretending to look at their phone to avoid having to play along, but we make sure our camera operator stays locked on them for as long as it takes to get them to participate. We’ll even delay the next band if needed.”
Members of the audience weren’t quite sure what to make of the new between-band technology.
“I can’t believe I got chosen to be on the kiss cam while I was standing next to my little sister when they started filming,” said showgoer Craig Stonesthrow. “Honestly, I don’t know who in their right mind would want to watch total strangers kiss on a giant screen while ‘Whoomp! There It Is’ plays on the monitors. Nobody likes peer pressure. More importantly, no one likes public displays of affection. So cringe.”
Music historian Lois Charleston noticed a recent surge in venues’ attempts to energize their audiences.
“You wouldn’t believe the lengths owners go to so that their crowds have a memorable and interactive experience,” said Charleston. “We’re seeing a huge increase in venues investing in t-shirt guns to shoot merch into the audience. A few of them have even hired cheerleading squads to pump up the fans before the opening band. Some have even debuted their very own mascots. Look no further than the Madison Square Garden Gnome, who dances around and spouts gnome-based puns during the intermission of Billy Joel concerts. It’s almost like the show itself is no longer the main entertainment.”
At press time, El Corazon shut down the kiss cam after some miscreant disobeyed the rules by proposing to their girlfriend while on camera.