TUCKER, Ga. — Punk Ollie Boyer turned around a framed photo on his nightstand last night of punk rock icon and notoriously judgemental dude Henry Rollins before beginning his evening masturbation, sources revealing too much information confirmed.
“I was trying to… reflect… with myself, but I just couldn’t do it without turning his photo around. To be honest, I don’t even turn around the picture of my dead Gam-Gam when I masturbate, but it was like [Rollins] was staring into my soul and judging me,” said Boyer from his dimly lit bedroom. “Like, maybe he’d think I could do something more productive instead, like work on the novel I keep saying I’m going to write… or maybe even he’d think the porn I was watching was too mainstream. Either way, it really messed with my head.”
Rollins’ no-nonsense, uncompromising persona has reportedly made Boyer so uncomfortable in photo form that he’s considered removing the picture from his bedroom completely.
“I read somewhere that Henry Rollins only takes cold showers and fasts regularly, so there’s no way he ever masturbates,” said Boyer. “I thought about moving the photo to my kitchen… but imagine what Rollins would think of my diet? And the bathroom’s out, because that dude probably never shits.”
Boyer’s girlfriend Jodie Parsons added that the framed photo has also negatively affected the couple’s sex life.
“The other night, I came out of the bathroom and saw [Boyer] saying goodnight to the photo,” said Parsons. “Later, we tried to have sex, but Ollie kept glancing at the nightstand and losing his erection. He was finally able to finish, but screamed, ‘I’m sorry, Henry!’ when he came.”
For his part, Rollins claimed he appreciated Boyer hiding his photo, but was still disappointed in him.
“I’m glad he’s not desecrating his body in my photograph’s presence,” said Rollins just after his morning 11-mile sprint. “However, him placing my photo in his bedroom, where he likely wastes eight hours a day sleeping — despite my proving the human body only needs three hours of sleep each day to function — is a huge middle finger to everything I stand for. So, fuck you, man.”
Photo By Ryan Flanders