PHILADELPHIA — Local punk Marcus “Moose” Crawford took time to celebrate on LinkedIn his six-year anniversary at “Unemployed,” acquaintances within his network confirmed.
“I’m not one to make a big deal out of anniversaries, but I’m pretty damn proud of this one. Not everyone can say they’ve spent six consecutive years avoiding wearing a monkey suit or having to answer to some asshole making four times more than you. Instead, I get to wake up at noon and make my own hours, which is none,“ said Moose. “And yet I still get recruiters reaching out and bugging me with ‘opportunities’ to have the government take 40% of my paychecks. Yeah right, I’ll stick to fishing dollar bills out of laundromat lint traps, thank you very much.”
People within Crawford’s network of connections were less cheerful about his recent career milestone.
“The only reason I’m even connected to Moose on this site is because we worked at the same Subway for a week ten years ago, which I’m pretty sure is the last actual job he ever worked. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him use LinkedIn for its intended purpose once. I recently put up a post about becoming Senior VP of Marketing at Home Depot, and he just replied ‘lol lame’ underneath,” said acquaintance Ryan Simmons. “The only time he ever did reach out to connect was when he asked if I wanted to throw rocks through windows of abandoned warehouses. I mean yeah it’s fun, but how does that pay the rent?”
Developers at LinkedIn are well aware that many like Crawford use the platform for non-traditional careers.
“The vast majority of our users only start an account to prove to other people, some of who’ve seen them steal parking cones while blackout drunk, that they possess some modicum of professionalism,” said LinkedIn VP Jenny Miller. “Instead of humble bragging about securing fancy-sounding careers, the contingency of unemployed users troll their network over the fact that their ‘position’ allows them to do jack shit all day while putting on heirs. It sounds strange, but they’re probably the most honest people on the site.”
As of press time, Moose updated his profile to announce he has taken a position as a sales associate at “Some Furniture and Other Shit I Found Behind a Denny’s.”