SELBYVILLE, Del. — A punk cadaver dog who was in the middle of searching for human remains from a historic cold case, reportedly found a victim’s skull and refused to give it back, according to frustrated sources.
“You’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead paws,” stated four-year-old Rottie mix, Vandal. “A lot of my work involves locating and giving up skeleton remains, which as a dog programmed to chew bones, is kind of fucked up. When I came across that one skull something deep inside my canine DNA took over and it was definitely a case of ‘finders-keepers.’ I just don’t understand why the family insists on having it back for closure — I purposely left behind a few vertebrae for that very reason.”
Vandal’s handler, Detective Curtis Kibble, explained how the dog’s action put the entire case in jeopardy.
“When Vandal found that skull, the entire team knew we had finally located the final victim of the dreaded ‘Cattle Prod Killer,’” Detective Kibble stated. “In retrospect, we shouldn’t have bragged to the media that we finally cracked the case before that damn dog ignored all my commands and hightailed it into the woods. He was grinning the entire time and at one point I swear it looked like he actually flipped me off. I’m two months from retirement, I don’t need this shit.”
Professor Kate Gibbons, expert in animal psychology, provided insight into what may have been going through Vandal’s scruffy little head.
“Dogs’ primal urges have been suppressed by generations of living indoors like other members of the family,” said Gibbons. “Where they used to enjoy the satisfaction of hunting for survival, they now just have to simply whine a few times before their owners provide them with food on a silver platter followed by a belly rub. But it’s all for the best, because if we knew the truth we wouldn’t be able to sleep, knowing that our furry best friends’ wouldn’t hesitate to tear apart our bodies and feast on our carcass if given the opportunity.”
At press time, Vandal was seen back at the crime scene, trying to mount one of the forensic crime scene investigators.
