SEATTLE — Researchers at the University of Washington announced breakthroughs in medical AI technology capable of detecting diseases with unaffordable treatments much earlier than comparable evaluations, confirmed sources.
“The technology has shown promising results in identifying multiple types of cancers, autoimmune diseases, and futures full of unpayable medical debt,” explained Garrett Wong, the principal researcher on the project. “We have been piloting the technology in lower-income areas across the US with rousing success, both in early detection and the patients’ prevalent inability to afford care. We are excited to introduce this technology nationwide in the coming months, where care is going to become even more unaffordable in the near term. We expect this AI tech will detect an average of 2.5 more years of medical payments. A huge win for insurance companies for once.”
While critics cite the added debt being a detriment to patients, subjects involved in the trials have expressed gratitude that they finally have clarity about their financial future.
“We are so thankful that this AI technology was able to detect Timmy’s leukemia as early as we did. The technology also recommended a few banks for loans to pay for it,” said Bellevue resident Norman Fulton. “Now we can use the money that we set aside for his college education to pay for the treatment. He may be destined for a life full of minimum-wage jobs, poor living situations, and an interest in ska, but thankfully he will be alive to experience it. What a miracle!”
While the technology is still pending FDA approval, government officials are confident that the procedure will be available as another popular option to diagnose diseases and financially screw over patients.
“We are encouraged that this AI tech can catch many types of cancer in their early treatable stages,” said FDA Director Martin Makary. “We’re talking revolutionary capabilities previously unheard of by the best oncologists. Kidney, breast, skin, societal, all brands, you name it. Detected so early that treatments will be quick and painless. But only if you can fork over the hundreds of thousands of dollars that it would take. And let’s be honest, most Americans can’t even afford to pay for a $500 emergency, so they’re definitely shit out of luck.”
Researchers are confident that the next generation of this AI will be able to detect if a potential GoFundMe fundraiser will be remotely successful in raising the necessary funds for the life-saving treatments.