WASHINGTON — National Public Radio, drunk on its own power over hordes of tea-drinking listeners, announced a new series of mandatory-viewing Giant Desk Concerts, according to a press release.
“Listen up, you fucking plebeians,” said wild-eyed NPR Music spokesperson Jessica Hanover while munching grapes from a bunch held above her head by an intern. “The Giant Desk Concerts, which will be held on a desk the size of a football field, are going to make The Eras Tour look like a goddamn child’s puppet show. We’re going to bring in Sturgill Simpson and turn him into a cosmic country cyborg, Esperanza Spalding is going to be shot into space, and Clairo will execute every fifth person in the audience on a jumbotron, just because.”
“Truly, all who witness a Giant Desk Concert shall love it and despair,” added Hanover.
Longtime NPR listener Marissa Torres was conflicted by the popular non-profit video series’ abrupt turn into bacchanalian excess.
“I love the Tiny Desk Concerts,” said Torres. “The way that we get to see Chappell Roan do a gentle acoustic version of ‘Pink Pony Club’ so straights will feel comfortable or how Justin Timberlake performs an indie classic like ‘Pusher Love Girl,’ that’s what it’s all about. I’m just not sure I’m comfortable with my tax-deductible NPR donations going to what was described as a ‘stage that will pierce the very Heavens themselves and affront God on His weak-ass throne.’ That’s not what I thought my $15 was funding.”
Folk singer Laura Gibson, the inaugural performer of the Tiny Desk Concert series, was upset to hear about the upcoming new variation of the NPR staple.
“What the fuck?” said Gibson. “When I did TDC, I had to do it at [former ‘All Songs Considered’ host Bob Boilen’s] actual desk, and they wouldn’t even validate my parking. Charli XCX is apparently going to do an acoustic set with the entire Supreme Court on backing vocals, and all I got was [NPR editor] Stephen Thompson forgetting to take his coffee mug out of the shot. I may be an acclaimed singer-songwriter whose work fuses contemporary Americana, pop stylings, and rock to examine my Oregonian roots, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to chug wine excavated from the Great Pyramid of Giza onstage while the Blue Angels scream over a crowd of 500,000 people. Everyone wants that.”
As of press time, National Public Radio had further announced that ‘All Things Considered’ had been cut due to lack of funding.