LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Conestoga Distillery, the makers of popular new Vulture Rye whiskey, have disrupted the market by selling their product in the least-efficient bottle seen yet in spirits, measuring four feet tall and one inch wide.
“Inspired by the Space Needle, Chimney Rock, and the Washington Monument, the Vulture Rye bottle is a testament to the quality of the whiskey inside — it’s so delicious, we simply don’t care if you can’t put this bottle on your shelf,” explained Conestoga’s master distiller Bertrand Pike. “And Lord help you if you think you’ll ever give this a quick freeze: we designed this specifically to not fit in fridges, freezers, or even the backseats of most four-door sedans.”
Whiskey lovers far and wide are fawning over Vulture Rye, despite the bottle’s design rendering it more easily knocked over than any vessel in hard liquor history.
“Vulture Rye is so good, I don’t care that I had to get a new, custom Ikea bookshelf to continue storing all my booze together,” claimed Meredith Barre, founder of DoubleWhiskeyCokeNoIce.org. “The bottle is obnoxious to bring to friends’ houses, and it’s shockingly difficult to pour, but the notes of honey, mahogany, and clove cigarettes keep me coming back again and again. I wish I could fit the whole thing in one photo.”
This month’s issue of Whiskey Advocate magazine dedicated the cover and a feature article to Conestoga Distillery’s game-changing creation.
“Back in the day, Maker’s Mark upped the annoying bottle game by slathering red wax over the cap, ensuring you get red flakes under your fingernails every time you open a new bottle,” wrote staff editor Joel Gentiloni. “Conestoga Distillery takes things a step further by creating a top-heavy bottle that you can only reasonably keep on the floor. Such iconoclastic design will go down in the history books of impractical and annoying whiskey bottles, for sure.”
Conestoga Distillery hopes to outdo their current notoriety by releasing a new scotch barrel-aged bourbon sold in a perfectly spherical, aggressively frustrating bottle.