LOS ANGELES — Internet commenters who enjoy wasting their valuable time leaving snide remarks on social media posts by canned beverage purveyors Liquid Death were shocked to see the company was willing to waste just as much time with a new music project, confirmed basement dwelling sources.
“When I first discovered Liquid Death I knew it had to be canned by Satan himself using water from a lake of fire. My mission in life was to make sure I left at least 30 negative Amazon reviews a day and I even pulled my kids out of school because I needed them to show me how to leave comments on Instagram,” said Marty Clemons. “I quit my job so I could do this full-time so when I saw they were releasing an entire record featuring some of my comments I thought to myself ‘Wow, they have too much time on their hands, get a life.’ Then I contacted a lawyer I saw on the TV because I firmly believe they are stealing my art.”
Liquid Death’s “Greatest Hates 3” includes 10 songs featuring uncensored comments by people like Clemons and performed by musicians such as Frank Iero, Lexie Papilion Tony Kanal, and Mark McGrath as well Tony Hawk, Chris Cole, and Jason Ellis.
“When I first got asked to work on the project I thought it was a gigantic waste of time for everyone involved. Then I realized that life itself is a giant waste of time and I might as well work on it while we all patiently wait for death,” said Liquid Death media producer Efram Willow. “Throughout the recording process, we kept asking ‘Why are we doing this? Who is this for?’ But as more comments poured in saying things like ‘anyone who drinks Liquid Death peaked in high school’ or ‘Whoever thought of this should get ripped apart by wild dogs’ we realized we needed to give these commenters a voice. It’s the right thing to do.”
Other brands facing similar negative backlash to their products applauded Liquid Death for their commitment to time wasting.
“Normally when we get a negative comment I’ll just block the user and move on. Sometimes they are really mean, like when they threaten to crap in our mouths for selling shirts with an anime version of a ‘Sopranos’ character on them,” said t-shirt designer Amy Tigard. “The fact Liquid Death is willing to use some of the limited time we have on this Earth to write and produce full songs to hold a mirror to these trolls is truly impressive. I have better things to do, like hanging out with my dog. But good on them.”
At press time, the negative comments being made about Liquid Death’s “Greatest Hates 3” are expected to be used on a B-sides album out later this summer.
You can waste even more of your time by listening to the record here, and purchasing it on vinyl here.
