ABERDEEN, U.K. – A walkathon across Scotland organized by rock duo The Proclaimers was abruptly canceled after volunteers positively identified the body of the 10th…
CHICAGO — Ravenous music fan Terry Manns feels a wistful sense of melancholy for the days when music publication Pitchfork.com would take an absolute shit…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local man Eric Halverson was relieved to see his new goth girlfriend and his conservative father bond over their shared love of…
PONTIAC, Mich. — Several local college seniors impressed guests by enhancing their party’s epicness with the presence of a barnyard animal in their house, thoroughly…
KINGSTON, N.Y. — Local woman Kelly Atkins is frustrated with her current apartment, as the listing promised her access to laundry in the basement of…
PITTSBURGH – Local man Jack “JJ” Jenkins was shocked to find out the “new” album from his favorite band Deer Stalker just turned 10 years…
SARATOGA SPRINGS, N.Y. — Local lesbian Molly Roth recently completed the solemn task known in her community as the “changing of the guard” by putting…
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Reactionary governor Ron DeSantis signed a controversial law limiting all use of public school TV carts to only showing D.W. Griffith’s 1915…
PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local woman Tracey Garibay entered the wild world of bondage by trying on a pair of American Apparel skinny jeans she hadn’t…
SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — Insufferable penny-pinching hipster Paul Sandor recently began the cost-cutting and dickhead-looking practice of rolling his own cigarettes, annoyed friends report. “Not…
PERRYOPOLIS, Penn. — The signature 2023 Chardonnay by Grapes of Wrath winery presents heavily with top notes of vinyl chloride, sources who can’t stop thinking…
PHILADELPHIA — Local rock band Royale Slats played an afternoon set at Parsleybrick Beer Garden to a crowd containing more pups than people, slobber-covered sources…
DURANGO, Colo. – Employees at a local insurance office were granted permission to arrive to work baked out of their goddamn gourds and reeking of…
LOS ANGELES — Canned water brand Liquid Death and Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker are collaborating on a new collectible enema kit that has proctologists around…
LOS ANGELES — Local priest Father Charles Bovie recently pronounced newlywed social media influencers “wife guy and wife” during their wedding ceremony, doomscrolling sources confirmed. …