NEW YORK — Random House Children’s Books official reissue of the long-dismissed 1991 Dr. Seuss manuscript “Oh, The Ways You’re Fucked!” is quickly becoming the go-to gift for graduating seniors bracing for life in the rent-gouged, atmosphere boiling, politically divided, AI fueled nightmare world of adults, confirmed sources.
“Parents used to give grads ‘Oh, The Places You’ll Go!’ with a nice check tucked inside but kids need to know just how bleak it is out there right now,” said Sharon Delvecchio, Senior Editor at Random House Children’s Books showing the cover featuring a Truffula tree on fire. “This reissue is way more in tune with their vibe—and by vibe, I mean the existential dread that the world is spiraling toward its conclusion…but in rhyming verse. Reviewers have called it ‘delightfully grim’ and ‘enjoyably distressing.’”
However, according to some college graduates, the book may be a bit too honest.
“I opened it expecting whimsy and hope but by page five I was openly weeping into my cap and gown. It straight-up says, ‘Now you have the smarts and that important degree! But there’s no job for you without an unpaid internship, maybe three,’” said Bailey Kim, a recent graduate from NYU, while refilling her Klonopin. “It has these weird creatures like The Leaselock Fox and a town of middle-managers called The Superfluffus. One creature is called The Trumpelbluff—it’s an ominous, amorphous orange blob threatening global domination; which seems kinda’ prophetic for 1991.”
Academic experts believe the new edition will resonate deeply with Gen Z.
“The world has changed. Today’s graduates don’t need to be told they’ll soar—they need to know what to do when their wings are clipped by a third-party gig platform,” said Dr. Mina Rojas, a cultural sociologist at Columbia. “It’s also good the book is mostly pictures considering today’s college graduates only read at a 5th grade level. One page is just the Lorax’s rotting corpse with no words. I mean, the opening lines of the book say it all: ‘Congratulations, I guess, but the world’s a mess. You planned for adventure, to go here, there, and in between—Instead it’s four decades hunched behind a computer screen.’”
At press time, the book’s success already prompted plans for Random House to release “Apollo Global Management Guts The Chocolate Factory.”