PARIS — International Olympics Committee spokesperson Mark Adams confirmed that the 3000-year-old world amateur sporting contest was “Unlikely to continue” in the wake of a boycott issued by Hollywood powerhouse Rob Schneider.
“We have to be realistic,” said a crestfallen Adams struggling to keep his composure in front of the sea of flashbulbs and television cameras. “The boycott from the ‘making copies’ guy has dried up our funds and put the games in an unsustainable position. Even now our athletes are starving, the Seine is more polluted than it’s ever been, and moisture-wicking undergarments are running scarce. The Thailand badminton team has no idea how they’re getting home and the Australian Rugby team had to take jobs working security at some seedy Paris sex clubs to make ends meet. This is what we get. This is what we deserve for invoking the wrath of Adam Sandler’s 12th-best friend from SNL.”
Schneider expressed zero remorse for ending the world’s largest and longest-running cooperative international event with his infamous clout and influence.
“I’m sorry to all of the athletes, but I refuse to feel sorry for an organization that openly mocks Christianity with a tableau of The Last Super that I hate for totally non-hate-related reasons,” said Schneider in between mailing unsolicited copies of a “Deuce Bigalow 3” script to Netflix. “You think you can keep playing your little worldwide sporting games after openly celebrating Satan with that woke indoctrination? Not if the most powerful conservative entertainer next to Kevin Sorbo and James Woods has anything to say about it, and I do!!”
Seasoned Olympic historian Russell Knowells notes that this is not the first time a celebrity boycott has affected the games.
“When curling became an official winter games sport in 1998, Sinbad said it was for fart-heads,” recounts Adams. “Sinbad was at the height of his powers, but he just seemed to be riffing on stage and didn’t have any ill will towards the sport. It shook things up but they recovered. This Schneider thing though? I don’t know. I’m not sure how you recover when the guy who did comic relief on ‘Judge Dread’ and ‘Demolition Man’ over 30 years ago boycotts you. That’s like being boycotted by, well, I can’t think of anyone bigger actually, the Pope feels like a step-down. From Hercules to Usain Bolt, it all ends like this.”
At press time, “The Hot Chick” is available to stream on Tubi.