LOS ANGELES — The Los Angeles Superior Court ruled on Monday that all interactions with strangers’ dogs will require at least a minimal introduction to the owners themselves, after several complaints across the city, confirmed sources.
“It’s like everyone’s lost common decency. The yuppie transplants in my neighborhood only interact with me when I’m walking my 19-year-old pug, Oswalt. They all live in these ugly, sterile apartment buildings that look like Kaiser Permanente medical offices—the least they could do is memorize my name,” said 52-year-old former shoegaze guitarist turned inheritor Mitch Petri of Eagle Rock. “All I want is some recognition that I own a dog. Also some friends would be nice. That said, I can’t wait to call the cops the next time someone doesn’t make direct eye contact with me while petting my dog.”
While the law may be a win for some, other Angelenos lament the change as an unwelcome adjustment to their lifestyle.
“We’ve always just referred to our neighbor as ‘Mochi and Miso’s Mom.’ We never even thought to learn her name when she first moved in across the street. I guess now we have to or else we’ll be literal outlaws,” said 66-year-old retiree Dana Porty of Culver City. “The real victim here is our maltipoo, Sheeba. Sheeba slowly wags her little tail each time we reference ‘Mochi and Miso’s Mom’ out of context. I guess she’ll learn the hard way about the American justice system.”
Dr. Erica Curtis-Tanaka, a sociologist from Mar Vista who currently works as a consultant for Hinge, advocated for this law.
“Many people blame the pandemic for the difficulty making friends in Los Angeles. The truth is, the current climate of social alienation began with the increase of social media and doggo memes,” said Dr. Curtis-Tanaka. “Over 50% of profiles surveyed on the major dating apps included some reference to dogs, and of that 50%, at least 75% included quotes along the lines of, ‘I would rather date your dog than you,’ and, ‘At the party, I ignore everyone but the dog.’ While that may seem lighthearted enough, a 2024 CityData survey discovered the number of missing dog signs across the city was over five times greater than missing children. The new law will force people to rehumanize each other.”
At press time, no local law enforcement officials have expressed confidence in how to enforce this new law.