WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives announced a new federally funded program asking the incel community to voluntarily trade in any guns they own for a new bass guitar, confirmed sources.
“No group poses more of a threat to other Americans than these angry white guy weiners,” said Deputy Director Anelie Rinne. “It’s almost cliché to say that this country has a male loneliness epidemic at this point, but it’s true. These boys get so mad at the fact that they are sad and friendless and instead of working on themselves they lash out. But for whatever reason, bass players seem totally fine with their self-inflicted, bottom rung social status. So if we can turn all of the incels into bassists, we’ll be much safer as a nation.”
Following the announcement, online incel communities reacted with unexpected levels of enthusiasm.
“Dude, I could totally get laid if I got like super good at bass,” said self-identified incel Mitch Osbourne. “Guys like Geddy Lee and Les Claypool are totally getting blow jobs 24/7 because of their music, you can just tell. I just have to figure out the best technique. Do you think playing with a pick or my fingers would rizz bitches up more? Actually, I bet it’s slap bass. That will probably get broads the horniest.”
Despite the overwhelming positivity from incels and governmental departments, some advocacy groups questioned the efficacy of the program.
“Giving incels basses doesn’t solve the root problems of misogyny and gender-based violence and only placates potentially violent men,” said Fay Nixon, a spokesperson for the National Organization for Women. “Plus no one wants to fuck bassists. You would get absolutely roasted by every one of your girlfriends, and rightfully so, if you lowered your standards all the way down to bassist dick. If the bureau cared anything at all about women, they would obviously be giving them saxophones. It’s clearly the horniest instrument.”
As of press time, the program already traded 60 guns for bass guitars, with participating incels having started at least one eight-member, all bass Buckcherry cover band.