ORLANDO — Disney celebrated the grand opening of its newest park attraction today, consisting of a roped off area in the middle of the Magic Kingdom for couples to scream at each other, park employees have reported.
“Honestly it’s wild we didn’t think of this sooner. Around 40% of our guests are couples who let their problems and generational trauma boil over into public screaming matches in front of the churro stand, so we just sectioned off that one spot where couples usually propose, threw up some ‘Monster’s Inc.’ cutouts, and named it the Screamatorium,” said park executive Shannon Walker. “We’ve ensured the line moves painfully slow in order to really let the acrimony build and explode over buying too many custom Minnie Mouse ears. It’s currently more popular than the Haunted Mansion and Space Mountain combined, so yeah I think we have ourselves a hit.”
Riders described the new attraction as a visceral, tour-de-force thrill.
“What a ride! The combination of the humidity, crippling debt just to be here, and my husband’s refusal to match my outfit ramped up the intensity so much, we were airing out our marital problems in public like it was nothing. And we got our picture with Sully!” said Wendy Jackson. “I can’t believe we used to accuse each other of flirting with the actors during brunch inside Cinderella’s castle. I think we might go again, I’m not done getting answers about why his parents refuse to come to our house for Thanksgiving.”
Florida’s tourism board said many parks in the state are tapping into visitors’ anger.
“It’s no secret that tourism is down and families are cutting costs, so to get people in the gates we’ve encouraged Disney and other theme parks to let visitors tap into the simmering rage and anxiety they’ve been experiencing. For example, Universal’s upcoming Halloween Horror Nights will allow VIP guests to pay actors to dress up as dead relatives and then fight them,” said John Frankel. “Even Legoland will have multicolored brick divorce attorney offices both here and in California by 2026. Seriously, it’s going to be time to visit if you’re obsessed with franchises and hate your partner.”
Disney also announced the Screamatorium would be adding a family annex for parents to permanently abandon their whining, ungrateful children who need to pee right before getting on every ride.