NEW YORK — Local 41-year-old Brooklyn resident Teri Kraft entered what her friends are calling a “midlife crisis” after requesting information on healthcare plans from her job, confirmed sources.
“Health insurance has always been a dream of mine since a few weeks ago, but, like, what am I? Richie Rich?” said Kraft, referencing a cartoon character whose relevance in this century is only by name. “When my mom was my age, she owned a home and had three kids with a full-time job that insured all of us. Meanwhile, I live in an apartment with three roommates, not including my husband. Anyway, I find myself up late at night on the Kaiser Permanente website reading about healthcare plans, and I even requested dozens of informational pamphlets from Blue Cross Blue Shield. Yeah, I think I have a problem.”
After applying for Medicaid, waiting a month, submitting additional income information, waiting a month, and then submitting more requested verification, Kraft is hopeful that she’ll be able to see a doctor sometime next year.
“Yes, she’s been working full-time for the past four years but, under the paperwork she signed, it’s considered contract work,” explained Kraft’s boss Richard Alberta. “Classifying workers as employees is not a smart business decision because then we would have to provide them healthcare packages and I am not about to look destitute driving to the country club in the same exact sports car as last weekend. We believe she is going through a phase. A midlife crisis, perhaps. Instead of bugging us about needing to see a doctor, we’d prefer that she dyed the grays out of her hair or had an affair with a younger man in Costa Rica. That will get it out of her system.”
Kraft’s friend Milton Addams has been guiding her through the steps he took before acquiring “Obamacare” created by the Affordable Care Act.
“The company I work for hasn’t paid me in four months,” said Addams, copywriter for Mesopotamian Records, who began looking for healthcare after a new nipple piercing got infected. “They stopped responding to inquiries about missing paychecks even though they’re still publishing my work. Fortunately, it qualifies me for Medicaid. It’s great to have one less thing to worry about as I move my belongings from my apartment into my Subaru Hatchback. Though I wish it was a sports car.”
At press time, Kraft’s midlife crisis took an unexpected turn when she all of the sudden got really into the idea of owning a home one day.
