MENLO PARK, Calif. — Meta announced a new partnership this week with UPS to physically mail high-gloss, full-color photographs of Adolf Hitler directly to the homes of young men not currently active on social media in a bold expansion of its commitment to algorithmically radicalizing America’s teenagers, confirmed sources.
“We at Meta have always believed in meeting users where they are—whether that’s on Instagram, Facebook, or staring blankly at a wall in their childhood bedroom,” said Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg while sitting inside a sterile cube illuminated by cold LED light. “Our exciting new initiative ensures that even if a young man isn’t being slowly converted into a fascist via meme pages and 90-minute YouTube videos, he’ll still have the opportunity to see well-lit photos of the Führer in his mailbox tailored directly to his interests. We’ve got classic bunker Hitler for the sad boys, outdoorsy Eagle’s Nest Hitler for the crypto/alpha types, and even a ‘funny mustache’ sticker sheet for the kids who just like aesthetics and aren’t really political yet.”
UPS delivery driver Hector Martinez says the new mailings have significantly increased his workload and personal moral discomfort.
“I used to deliver wedding invites and cat medication,” said Martinez, sweat-soaked and visibly winded as he hoisted a sack labeled ‘Operation Mein Drop.’ “Now I’m lugging around 300-pound crates of laminated Hitler prints to houses with Slipknot posters in the window. I handed a kid one last week and he said, ‘Oh sick, another one!’ Like it was a fucking Pokémon card.”
Local 16-year-old high school sophomore Owen Merriweather is one of the estimated 4.3 million teens already receiving Meta’s “Offline Influencer Exposure Kit,” which includes weekly prints, a sticker of a Roman column, and a QR code linking to a Spotify playlist titled “Classical Music for Intellectual Warriors Vol. I.”
“Yeah, I don’t really get it,” said Merriweather while scrolling through a Redpill subreddit he insists he only visits “ironically.” “At first I was like, ‘Damn, why is this war guy showing up at my house?’ But then I kinda started looking into him. I mean, obviously he did some bad stuff, but the haircut is honestly clean. I still think racism is bad, probably. But like, if he was that evil, why would they keep mailing me pictures of him on really nice paper with a personalized note from Meta that reads ‘We see potential in you’?”
At press time, Zuckerberg unveiled a new pilot program with DoorDash to deliver freshly baked sourdough loaves shaped like Mussolini’s head directly to college dormitories in Portland and Austin.