CHICAGO — McDonald’s announced that the fast food chain would be undergoing a massive overhaul of their affordable deal menu spearheaded by their new $17 “Fuck You Burger,” franchised locations have confirmed.
“For our next venture to gouge consumers, we took inspiration from condescending, overpriced gastropubs who also think their clientele are idiots. I’m proud to announce all you disgusting pigs will love wolfing down the new ‘Fuck You Burger,’ and you’ll have no choice but to pony up 17 big ones because we’re replacing the value menu with this,” said CEO Chris Kempczinski. “Technically we can’t call it a burger since it’s 67% sawdust, but that won’t stop us from fleecing anyone dumb enough to spend almost two and a half times the minimum wage for flavorless slop. Stop by today!”
Employees at McDonald’s restaurants were hesitant to embrace the new menu.
“Ever since Chris got roasted for that Big Arch fiasco, he’s been on a warpath. He only gave locations six hours to start selling this new burger and I gotta say for that price, I don’t know how long we can sustain it. The ingredients literally call for dumpster juice and laxatives,” said shift manager Dory Henderson. “The craziest part is that right now, the ‘Fuck You Burger’ is a hit. It doesn’t even come with fries! I suppose we should look forward to a nice quarterly bonus before all the customers sue over getting sepsis.”
Representatives from the McDonald’s R&D department said the menu will soon be subjected to many more changes.
“Nuking the value menu for a burger that will put you in the ICU is just the beginning, as our loyal customers can look forward to melted shakes, three day old fries, and touch screens that’ll double charge you and steal your bank info,” said Ryan Jones. “We no longer want to be a restaurant chain, but a vast network of gray buildings pushing out the lowest quality food for the most amount of money we can get away with charging. And people will pay, because this is America and we can abuse the hell out of our base and get away with it.”
As of press time, Kempczinski added that a limited time $25 “Fuck You Burger Deluxe” option will come with an extra patty made of rat meat.
