CHICAGO — McDonald’s rolled out a new McClearance Menu to all 14,000 corporate and franchise locations in the United States, sources confirmed.
“The McClearance Menu isn’t just a good deal. It’s offering the McDonald’s favorites you love for 90 to 95% off the regular menu price. How? Instead of throwing old food away, we’re liquidating it. And by that I mean rock-bottom prices, not liquifying the food, although we can grind down almost anything into a McFlurry,” said Wanda Boeuf, chief value officer for McDonald’s. “All McClearance Menu items will be clearly marked, allowing us to ‘reinterpret’ food safety laws. A small French fry might begin life on the regular menu for $1.99, but after several days under the heat lamp, it magically becomes a McClearance item for $0.08. Sure, the food inspector may call it a violation, but we refer to it as a new discounted life for the fries. Hungry yet? There’s more. Customers can save an additional 3% by ordering on the app. It’s a whole new era for the ba-da-ba-ba-budget-conscious, burger-loving customer.”
Not everyone was happy with the discount hamburgers, nuggets, and orange drink.
“Sixteen cents for a Big Mac that’s six days old? Those bastard capitalists will starve us all,” said George Vulgar, local stenchpunk. “I used to eat McDonald’s for free out of the trash. Not anymore. McDonald’s wanted to make a quick buck instead. Now the secret is out: a Filet-O-Fish sandwich tastes the same after a few days in the trash as it does fresh. The only thing in the trash now is pre-packaged apple slices, and even I won’t eat those. How the fuck are they not brown?”
Surprisingly, health experts celebrated the sale of expired fast food.
“For many customers, the penicillin growing on McClearance Menu items is the only chance they get to take an antibiotic. The McClearance Menu may be the most effective public health program in history,” said Morgan Jay, a nutritionist at Northwestern Memorial Hospital. “I also like how the ketchup is fortified with fiber from the floor, since all spills are resold. I can’t wait to see how they reimagined the special sauce, too.”
As of press time, McDonald’s stock soared when the company announced plans to expand the McClearance concept to its workers’ wages.
