GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — While the rest of the world is out buying presents for loved ones this holiday season, local man Benjamin Edwards is reportedly still in shock after a cashier invaded his privacy by talking to him during one of his daily phone calls.
“I was minding my own business at the front of the line, like I always do,” said Edwards, a well-to-do businessman picking up a book for his wife. “Then, suddenly, I heard this faint, shitty voice in the background repeating something. I told Steve from my office to hold on a second, and I finally looked up and this broad was waving at me like a goon.”
Eyewitnesses corroborated Edward’s account.
“I saw it all go down,” said fellow businessman Jared Bannon, who was a few people behind Edwards in line at the time of the attack. “Not to wax poetic, but that cold-hearted millennial cashier adjusted her thick, black-framed glasses and mouth-breathed the words, ‘Do you have a membership?’ It’s disturbing seeing someone just like me talked down to like that in public.”
“First of all, I had no idea what the cashier was pulling there,” Edwards clarified. “Secondly, what gave that loser the right to talk to me? Does she even own property? She probably rents. She looked like it, at least.”
Edwards went on to explain he held his credit card out and even went through the trouble of setting the book on the far edge of the counter for the cashier to reach across and grab, but was rewarded with nothing but hostility.
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“I come here every day. This is my ‘me’ time. If I wanted to hear some rent-scum speak at me, she would’ve been on the phone with me. But she wasn’t, because obviously we’ve already established I do not speak with rent-scum,” said Edwards, still fuming.
According to Edwards, part of running a successful business is being accessible 24/7. The act of ordering a coffee or purchasing anything in public constantly puts that success in jeopardy.
“Did you notice I’m on my phone right now? I’m on hold, which buys me time for human interaction, ordering at drive-thrus, watching Fox News at the gym with the sound on… If you weren’t aware, time means money, and I prefer to make a lot of it,” Edwards said with a puffed chest. “This is called power. This little rectangle is my energy source and every time I talk into it dollar signs show up in my bank account. Something you would never understand.”
Claire Reilly, the offending cashier, confirmed the interaction when reached for comment. “Of course I remember him,” she said. “Fuck that guy.”
Article by Jonathan Diener @jonodiener. Photo by @Superniceguytakingpix.