KNOXVILLE, Tenn. – Local Dad Brayden Taylor recently decided to yank his two young boys from the Knoxville public school system and teach them from home despite the fact he failed fifth grade twice, sources confirmed.
“I don’t need my boys learning all that critical race theory and Marxism crap. Sure, right now they are just in elementary school and mainly learning about colors and shapes, but that’s just a springboard to the liberal agenda and I won’t stand by and allow it,” said Taylor while hanging another American flag in his garage for the kids to pledge allegiance to. “These schools are filled with socialist teachers asking for donations for school supplies and it makes me sick. I’m better off teaching these kids on my own and they are going to learn the USA is the best country in the world, love it or leave it.”
Taylor’s eldest son Clayton expressed his own concerns about transitioning to home-schooling.
“My dad kept talking about how bad Marxism is so I went to the library look up what it was. I’ll admit, I was kind of surprised he hated the concept so much. I guess he doesn’t realize that as a working-class man he’s a member of the proletariat, who Karl Marx says will usher in a global revolution that will finally provide dignity and respect to workers and abolish all class exploitation,” said the 10-year-old. “We’ve tried to tell him about this, but his only response was to burn our mother’s copy of Richard Marx’s 1989 album ‘Repeat Offender’ over a bonfire. It smelled really bad and my throat hurt for few days after.”
Dr. Diego Chávez Ph.D. further elucidated the problems with contemporary home-schooling.
“Right now we have too many parents with no qualifications teaching their children that certain historical episodes such as slavery never took place all because they are too afraid to admit that systemic racism is a part of the American system,” said Dr. Chávez. “As a result, they’re actually making their children dumber and even more susceptible to exploitation from the proverbial Man. But who knows? Maybe more home-schooled kids will be able to overcome their parent’s ignorance by finding resources on the internet, but I wouldn’t put money on it. I’ve never met a home-schooled kid who can actually function in society, but I pray for them.
At press time, Taylor finished prepping his first lesson plan which will mainly focus on the films of Steven Seagal.