WARRINGTON, Pa. — Local man Bryan Walsh is terrified and “jumping to insane conclusions” this morning after his father, commercial electrician Murray Walsh, cryptically said “I love you” to his son last night for the first time in his life.
“Oh, God… I mean, he literally said, ‘I love you.’ Like, what could that even mean?” said the confused, younger Walsh. “Is he dying? Is Mom dying? Is it possible I’m dying, and they somehow found out before I did? We have to consider any possibility, no matter how crazy, because we’re in the goddamn Twilight Zone here, people.”
The reasoning behind his father’s warm-hearted outburst has thus far been elusive.
“He needed my help picking something up from Home Depot so I thought I could ask him during the ride,” explained Bryan. “Every car trip alone with Dad is wall-to-wall awkward silence anyway, so it seemed like the perfect opportunity. But I panicked and could only blurt out, ‘Fuck the Dallas Cowboys,’ to which he said, ‘Yep.’ Then it was right back to awkward silence.”
Walsh’s sister, Debra Walsh-Schwartz, was equally surprised by her father’s sudden and shocking affection.
“Obviously, I’m frightened for my brother. And while I don’t think the ‘I love you’ is a precursor to dad murdering Bryan, I do think it’s within the realm of possibility,” said Walsh-Schwartz. “Besides anger, Dad is not one to show emotion. Ever. For instance, on my wedding day, he put his arms out almost like he wanted a hug, which would be a first… but he quickly called an audible and instead gave me a hearty handshake.”
Even Murray’s coworker and best friend of 22 years Emmett Downes could not provide any insight, despite spending countless hours with Murray over several decades.
“Murray’s got kids, huh? Didn’t know that,” said Downes. “We don’t really talk about that stuff.”
When reached for comment, the elder Walsh admitted that he “had a couple beers” that evening and was actually saying, “I love you” to Oscar, the family’s terrier-lab mix, and not his son.